I love Saturdays. I finally have them to myself after a year and a half of working almost every weekend. I now realize just how much I was missing out on. Especially this particular Saturday. It's peaceful; a cool September breeze coming in through the window, a mug of perfectly brewed pumpkin spice Keurig machine coffee resting on the window sill. An afternoon to muse, to write, to think.
I try to appreciate moments like these, when I realize I have all the time in the world to ponder the meanings of life and think about all the reasons I have to be happy-- at this moment. I am the perfect combination of chilly and warm. My hands are cold, but they keep moving because of my incessant typing. My newly purchased-with-birthday-money cardigan is keeping me the perfect temperature. I had a wonderful birthday full of friends, laughter, and happiness. With it came gifts and new things for me to add to my already overstuffed closet and apartment. And with that comes trepidation: did I make the right decision? Should I have waited to purchase things I may need in the future? I figure, it's my birthday, why not make myself the happiest I can be with the gifts I received from others?
Shopping is a nasty habit of mine, one which I continue to struggle with. Although this time around, it's perfectly legit; what, with the gift cards I received and all the meaningful things I purchased for myself and our apartment. Next step: make a monthly budget and stick to it!
It's not often I find myself alone in our apartment. Any other day this week and I would have dreaded it. But not this day. Not this beautiful fall Saturday. I am perfectly at peace with myself and my thoughts and my computer to keep them on.
I think I write in this blog for my own sanity more than anything else. Where others may have monthly or even weekly therapist visits, I have blogging sessions every 2-4 months. Maybe a therapist would help me more, but I like blogging to myself. Even if it means I post it for all to see. You see, I'm well aware that I don't open up to people very well, and if even one of the important people in my life reads this post, it will have been worth it-- for me, and for them.
I just want to take a tape recorder to my mind on days like these. I haven't yet found the most productive way to record all the important thoughts circling my brain. I think that's what writers truly are. They're the people in the world who find a way to record the parts of their thoughts that mean something to themselves and possibly to others, and document them forever. I can only hope to have that kind of an impact on myself, let alone on others. But I do fancy myself a writer, even if I don't write as often as a writer probably "should."
On that note, I'd like to cut myself off there.
Happy Autumn!
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
Live in the now
I should be in bed, but I REALLY felt like blogging for some reason! Isn't that always how it goes? I haven't written anything in awhile, and I have a bit more spare time to think and ponder life, so blogging seems the best way to do so.
I graduated from college on May 18th. It was one of those surreal days where I was so happy/nervous/excited/anxious that I barely remember anything that happened-- except that the announcer pronounced my name wrong. And that I was SOOO happy to see my family in the audience and before and after the ceremony. It meant the world to me to be able to spend quality time with them. I literally cannot describe the immense feeling of joy I had being with them last weekend. I can still feel what's left of that feeling, and I never want it to go away.
Right now, however, I seem to be in a bit of a funk. I was so excited to be able to pause my life for awhile, and just coast through the next chunk of my life, enjoying it; but I just feel like my life is going nowhere. I always thought I wouldn't have to work so hard to do something meaningful in life, but I was wrong. I have to work my ass off to do what I want to do, and that's only after I figure out what it is I want to do. So instead of enjoying this bit of freedom (although, I have watched a lot of Vampire Diaries while packing my stuff this week), I'm constantly realizing how little I have going for me right now. At least at the moment. I still work as a housekeeper, I'm still broke, I'm moving into a tiny apartment next weekend, I have no amazing job prospects, and I have yet to plan my epic wedding.
I'm reading this book (actually, I've been reading it on and off for months), called The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. And I know it sounds weird, believe me, I thought so too, but my uncle suggested I read it, and I'm starting to realize why. A lot of it can be preachy, but there is an amazing lesson hidden behind it. I need to focus on the NOW. I need to relish in the little things, stop remembering the past and fretting about the future. My life is happening right now, and I'm missing it every second I dwell on memories or plans. I'm not saying it'll be easy, because God knows I love remembering everything I ever did/heard/said, and I love planning for my wonderful future even more, but I need to start realizing that my life began a long time ago, and I need to be careful that it doesn't pass me by. I have a roof over my head, food in the pantry (albeit mostly cereal and granola bars), a family who loves me, friends who care about me, two college degrees, and a fiance who supports me more than I'll probably ever realize. My life is "perfect" by most people's standards, and it's time that I wake up and smell the coffee, and live in the present.
So this is my funk. I'm waiting for the next big thing to happen to me, while ignoring what's going on around me. I miss my fiance and my family and my friends all the time, because I'm focusing on what used to be, or what I'm missing out on when I'm not with them. I'm going through another stage in my life when I wish I could have everyone I care about uprooted and living here with me, the whole town just picked up and set down in the middle of Duluth (or at least very nearby). I know that sounds crazy, believe me, I know, but it's how I feel.
I don't need anymore big things to happen to me, I've had enough for one year. So now I'm left with the aftermath of said big things, dealing with what to do next. And hoping I can be satisfied with my life, just coasting along, enjoying it for a change, and living in the now. Otherwise what's the point of all the in-between stuff?
I graduated from college on May 18th. It was one of those surreal days where I was so happy/nervous/excited/anxious that I barely remember anything that happened-- except that the announcer pronounced my name wrong. And that I was SOOO happy to see my family in the audience and before and after the ceremony. It meant the world to me to be able to spend quality time with them. I literally cannot describe the immense feeling of joy I had being with them last weekend. I can still feel what's left of that feeling, and I never want it to go away.
Right now, however, I seem to be in a bit of a funk. I was so excited to be able to pause my life for awhile, and just coast through the next chunk of my life, enjoying it; but I just feel like my life is going nowhere. I always thought I wouldn't have to work so hard to do something meaningful in life, but I was wrong. I have to work my ass off to do what I want to do, and that's only after I figure out what it is I want to do. So instead of enjoying this bit of freedom (although, I have watched a lot of Vampire Diaries while packing my stuff this week), I'm constantly realizing how little I have going for me right now. At least at the moment. I still work as a housekeeper, I'm still broke, I'm moving into a tiny apartment next weekend, I have no amazing job prospects, and I have yet to plan my epic wedding.
I'm reading this book (actually, I've been reading it on and off for months), called The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. And I know it sounds weird, believe me, I thought so too, but my uncle suggested I read it, and I'm starting to realize why. A lot of it can be preachy, but there is an amazing lesson hidden behind it. I need to focus on the NOW. I need to relish in the little things, stop remembering the past and fretting about the future. My life is happening right now, and I'm missing it every second I dwell on memories or plans. I'm not saying it'll be easy, because God knows I love remembering everything I ever did/heard/said, and I love planning for my wonderful future even more, but I need to start realizing that my life began a long time ago, and I need to be careful that it doesn't pass me by. I have a roof over my head, food in the pantry (albeit mostly cereal and granola bars), a family who loves me, friends who care about me, two college degrees, and a fiance who supports me more than I'll probably ever realize. My life is "perfect" by most people's standards, and it's time that I wake up and smell the coffee, and live in the present.
So this is my funk. I'm waiting for the next big thing to happen to me, while ignoring what's going on around me. I miss my fiance and my family and my friends all the time, because I'm focusing on what used to be, or what I'm missing out on when I'm not with them. I'm going through another stage in my life when I wish I could have everyone I care about uprooted and living here with me, the whole town just picked up and set down in the middle of Duluth (or at least very nearby). I know that sounds crazy, believe me, I know, but it's how I feel.
I don't need anymore big things to happen to me, I've had enough for one year. So now I'm left with the aftermath of said big things, dealing with what to do next. And hoping I can be satisfied with my life, just coasting along, enjoying it for a change, and living in the now. Otherwise what's the point of all the in-between stuff?
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