Sometimes I feel like a completely different person than I used to be. I know that's probably true on some levels, but not all of them. I used to want to be a writer. A famous writer, or at least semi-known writer. I would LOVE to write a best-seller. I still want to be a writer, but I haven't written anything in a long time. I'm hoping to try treating my blog as a journal to get my thoughts going. I also used to want to be a teacher. I'm still going back and forth about that, but I will stick with an English degree for the time being. And I'm not sure about German anymore. I think I go back and forth about German a lot, but we'll see what happens in the fall.
Right now, at this moment in time, I want to write something small for a living. I don't know what, but little things, like instruction manuals, or summaries on the back of books! I want to work for Hallmark coming up with new and creative ideas for greeting cards. I want the Hallmark summer internship next summer. I want them to think that I'm good enough to do the internship all next summer in Kansas City. Then I want them to like me even more and hire me after I graduate! I want so many things! I want to be married in the next 3-5 years. I want to have a nice apartment with Mike after I graduate. I want my family to be better than normal.
I used to think my family and my life sucked. Then I met Mike. I know this is sappy, but my life, or at least my outlook on certain aspects of my life, took a turn for the better when I met and started dating him. We've been together almost 4 years and I know that I am a changed woman because of him, or at least that we have helped each other grow into the people we want to be for the rest of our lives. I want to have a family with him, grow old with him, etc. etc. So basically, my life did suck earlier in my life. When I look back on it, I dealt with things much better than most people would have. I went through some tough things, and am still dealing with family issues and issues with myself as a person, and I'm still doing pretty damn alright.
I am very satisfied with my life so far. I have few regrets, although there are always things I wish I would have done or would have said, but none that haunt me or tear me down. There are so many things I want to do with my life, but what happens if I'm unable to do all the things I want to do? What happens when all the things we hope to accomplish in life never happen? Or some of them do, but some of them don't? How do we justify failing in all that we hope to accomplish in our lives? How do we move on once we fail, and even more importantly, how do we come to accept that we missed that opportunity and failed ourselves?
These are some of the big picture, life-long worries I think about on an almost daily basis. Among other more age-appropriate ones such as what do I do when I graduate? What classes will I take next semester? How am I going to survive on my own in an apartment with 3 roommates next year? What will I eat? I have plenty more. But none as important as the first: How do I justify failing in all that I hope to accomplish in my life? That is one of my biggest worries in life. I know that I won't be able to possibly do every single thing that I want to do. For instance, I would LOVE to be on The Voice; contrary to anyone's belief, I can sing, and I can sing WELL. I might even send in an online audition video for next season. Who knows what can happen right? That's another issue I have to deal with. No one knows for sure what will happen in an hour, tomorrow, a week from now, years from now. I can plan all I want, and I can hope, pray, and wish for the things I want and need, but those things may not work out. How do I possibly go on living if I don't get those things?
That may be a spoiled kid talking, but I don't mean physical possessions, although the next cute pair of shoes i see will definitely go on my "want" list. I mean everything in my life. I believe that I can shape my life, even though I can't control it completely. I'm just worried that I won't push myself to my full potential and therefore I won't achieve what I want most in this life and I won't be happy forever. Thankfully, I have my family, friends, and Mike to rely on. They are my anchors in life, the only stable things in anyone's life.
So, even though not many of the most important people in my life will read this, this post goes out to them. Those people who I can talk to about everything under the sun. And especially Mike, who I can talk to about literally anything and he will give me his input, or direct me to someone who can help me. I love you all. Thank you for everything.
Peace, Love, Amen.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Update!
I haven't been on here in a LONG time. I thought I'd update everyone, or no one, on my life right now. My mother is a lost cause. That's about all I can say about her right now. My dad is absolutely amazing, and I'm sorry I ever thought less of him. My sisters are great. My niece Nova Jay is ADORABLE and hopefully coming to love me more as well =]] Here is an adorable pic of her!
Anyway... I'm home for the summer, and by home i mean at Mary's. It's been nice, although I'm already wishing I had my own place. I want my own place. I just need a damn job with which to pay for a place! Maybe next summer =]]
Mike is wonderful, as always. I'm hoping to visit him twice in July, to make up for none in June and probably none in August. Hoping to get a job SOON, though, so that might change. I am officially going to be a Junior in college next fall and OMG is my college career flying by! Mary and Abby graduated, Mike will graduate next spring, and then me and my friends the spring after that. WOW. Anyway, enough for now. I'll try to keep up with this more this summer with all this time on my hands.
Off to dinner, and hopefully reading =]]
Tschüβi!
Anyway... I'm home for the summer, and by home i mean at Mary's. It's been nice, although I'm already wishing I had my own place. I want my own place. I just need a damn job with which to pay for a place! Maybe next summer =]]
Mike is wonderful, as always. I'm hoping to visit him twice in July, to make up for none in June and probably none in August. Hoping to get a job SOON, though, so that might change. I am officially going to be a Junior in college next fall and OMG is my college career flying by! Mary and Abby graduated, Mike will graduate next spring, and then me and my friends the spring after that. WOW. Anyway, enough for now. I'll try to keep up with this more this summer with all this time on my hands.
Off to dinner, and hopefully reading =]]
Tschüβi!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
LIFE
My life often seems complicated. My parents are divorced, my sister does things that people don't approve of, i'm Catholic, I'm in college, I live in Duluth, I have a longtime boyfriend, I don't understand the meaning of family, I have a second family I call my own, I am SO like my dad, etc, etc. I don't know what else to say, but my life is complicated. I try to pretend it isn't, but it really is. Mike is out with all his friends for his 21st birthday and I'm at his house blogging and watching a weird movie about mormons and polygamy. WITH Logan from Gilmore Girls AND Lexie from Grey's Anatomy. What could be better?
Well, for starters, my mom could be less, well, "my mom." I could be finished with all my homework due next week. I could be 21 and celebrating with my boyfriend. I could (and should) be in bed. So many things could be different, but I guess then that wouldn't be me; my life wouldn't be MY life, it'd be someone else's.
We all have our own set lives, and everything we say and do creates our lives. We get what we get, and we have to live with it. And so I shall. Like the sands of the hourglass, so are the days of our lives...
Well, for starters, my mom could be less, well, "my mom." I could be finished with all my homework due next week. I could be 21 and celebrating with my boyfriend. I could (and should) be in bed. So many things could be different, but I guess then that wouldn't be me; my life wouldn't be MY life, it'd be someone else's.
We all have our own set lives, and everything we say and do creates our lives. We get what we get, and we have to live with it. And so I shall. Like the sands of the hourglass, so are the days of our lives...
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
The Scarlet Letter!
I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to be writing about yet, but it's been a week and a day, so I thought I should update everyone again :) Even thought I'm pretty sure no one reads this but me. It keeps my thoughts in order :)
I could write about the fact that Mike and I kind of want to go to Sweden. And I want to go to Germany. And I want to be done with college. Or the fact that I should be doing homework! Or the fact that I have nothing remotely horrible to complain about right now, yet I feel like I need to complain about something. German is stressful, as always, but I always seem to underestimate my skill, at least according to Mike. He tells me constantly how amazing I am at German and I have many A's to remind me, but I still just don't seem confident in my German skills. Especially since I have an oral presentation about something that doesn't seem to have 10-15 minutes worth of information that's on Monday.
I'm really excited for this weekend because Mike's parents might be coming up! Which means free food, good conversation, and a nice change of pace for the semester. I miss seeing them and I know Mike does too :) Although, chances are it'll make me miss my family and friends, but it'll be worth it. I've been working my butt off with reading, papers, and homework lately, so I deserve some fun this weekend. It seems as though weekend doesn't imply FUN anymore, rather 3 days when I have to catch up on reading assignments or write papers or work on presentations. Which is definitely not fun.
I feel like I've gone from a studious student (redundant, I know) to slacker, and now I'm back to studious student again. It's kind of nice considering I have 2.5 more years left of college, but it's kind of a bummer too because of my lack of fun. Although I have to say, I do enjoy my classes and what we're learning which is nice. Just today I texted Mike how much I love English class sometimes because sometimes I really do! Hence, I'm an English major :)
We're officially done with The Scarlet Letter in English and I'm glad to be done reading the millions of critical essays about it, but I'm bummed that we're done reading and talking about it. If I ever get my graduate degree, I'm going to research and write critical essays about The Scarlet Letter. It's amazing. And interesting and weird and dark. AND my blog title, if you haven't noticed, is The Life and Writings of a Scarlet Letter. This doesn't mean I'm an adulterer or anything horrible like that! It's a pun on my name being Ayla, starting with an A, and the fact that I love the book, and the fact that no one is perfect because Hester made a mistake and was wrongly outcasted because of it. (Yes, I know that it was a big deal for Puritans, and it's a big deal in general, but she was treated pretty badly). Anyway, enough for now :) Thanks for listening! Or reading! lol
Tschuβi!
I could write about the fact that Mike and I kind of want to go to Sweden. And I want to go to Germany. And I want to be done with college. Or the fact that I should be doing homework! Or the fact that I have nothing remotely horrible to complain about right now, yet I feel like I need to complain about something. German is stressful, as always, but I always seem to underestimate my skill, at least according to Mike. He tells me constantly how amazing I am at German and I have many A's to remind me, but I still just don't seem confident in my German skills. Especially since I have an oral presentation about something that doesn't seem to have 10-15 minutes worth of information that's on Monday.
I'm really excited for this weekend because Mike's parents might be coming up! Which means free food, good conversation, and a nice change of pace for the semester. I miss seeing them and I know Mike does too :) Although, chances are it'll make me miss my family and friends, but it'll be worth it. I've been working my butt off with reading, papers, and homework lately, so I deserve some fun this weekend. It seems as though weekend doesn't imply FUN anymore, rather 3 days when I have to catch up on reading assignments or write papers or work on presentations. Which is definitely not fun.
I feel like I've gone from a studious student (redundant, I know) to slacker, and now I'm back to studious student again. It's kind of nice considering I have 2.5 more years left of college, but it's kind of a bummer too because of my lack of fun. Although I have to say, I do enjoy my classes and what we're learning which is nice. Just today I texted Mike how much I love English class sometimes because sometimes I really do! Hence, I'm an English major :)
We're officially done with The Scarlet Letter in English and I'm glad to be done reading the millions of critical essays about it, but I'm bummed that we're done reading and talking about it. If I ever get my graduate degree, I'm going to research and write critical essays about The Scarlet Letter. It's amazing. And interesting and weird and dark. AND my blog title, if you haven't noticed, is The Life and Writings of a Scarlet Letter. This doesn't mean I'm an adulterer or anything horrible like that! It's a pun on my name being Ayla, starting with an A, and the fact that I love the book, and the fact that no one is perfect because Hester made a mistake and was wrongly outcasted because of it. (Yes, I know that it was a big deal for Puritans, and it's a big deal in general, but she was treated pretty badly). Anyway, enough for now :) Thanks for listening! Or reading! lol
Tschuβi!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Apparently, home is where the heart is
I must have some serious issues, because every time i'm home i feel sad. Because it's never enough time, I always want more time. I'm here for one night, one tiny night, and I got to see my daddy, which was the best part of the night, I barely said a word to the Hefer's, I'll only have a few hours with my ma tomorrow, and Mary's not here. AND I only get maybe a half hour (staying up much too late to be getting up at 6:30AM tomorrow) with my amazing older sister Trista, AND don't get to see Jenna at all. I think these are all signs that I miss home WAY more than I think I do.
I don't ever feel like I miss home, or the people there too much, but coming home always makes me realize just how wrong I am. I guess I'm basically having a counseling session with myself right now, so bear with me if you'd like ;) I want to get away from home, so I "run" to Duluth, but I "run" to Duluth because I miss people too much and can't please them all, or spend time with them all in the short time I have. It's a trivial thing, and of course it's my crazy weirdo brain that has to think this way.
All in all, I had barely enough time to chat with my dad, but it was fantastic. He brought up engagement. Because of things I post on my Facebook (which he doesn't have, but "it's a small town and people talk about things" according to him, so people tell him things in return). Anyway, interesting and great conversation. I think I'd like to travel to Germany with him someday. It'd be an adventure.
Thanks for reading, if anyone did =]]
Tschuβi!
I don't ever feel like I miss home, or the people there too much, but coming home always makes me realize just how wrong I am. I guess I'm basically having a counseling session with myself right now, so bear with me if you'd like ;) I want to get away from home, so I "run" to Duluth, but I "run" to Duluth because I miss people too much and can't please them all, or spend time with them all in the short time I have. It's a trivial thing, and of course it's my crazy weirdo brain that has to think this way.
All in all, I had barely enough time to chat with my dad, but it was fantastic. He brought up engagement. Because of things I post on my Facebook (which he doesn't have, but "it's a small town and people talk about things" according to him, so people tell him things in return). Anyway, interesting and great conversation. I think I'd like to travel to Germany with him someday. It'd be an adventure.
Thanks for reading, if anyone did =]]
Tschuβi!
Monday, February 14, 2011
first post =]]
So this is just my first ever blog post =]] actually, not my first, but I had a "blog" before they were cool and no one read it. haha. but anyway... I'm ayla, you all should know me at least a bit. i should be in bed, but of course i decided to try out my first blog first! i got the best score of the class on our german quizzes today and i've been flying high about it all day (just ask mike and kelly). they think i have quite the EGO right now. and i don't blame them! lol. I'm rocking at german lately and i'm loving that a LOT.
so today's Valentine's day and I'd like to dedicate my first post to all the people in my life whom I love and am thinking about today =]]
mike, kelly, mary, anna, liz, jackie, lareyna, mom, dad, trista, jenna, every other family member I have (which is hard to think about how many people that is, but i tried lol), brittney, megan, molly, the Hefers, the Hankses and Trainors and mike's other family, etc. etc. Valentine's day is about LOVE. not couple love, ALL love. please get that straight people and stop hating valentine's day! =PP you bring other people down by hating it. oh, and for the record, I got a handwritten poem from mike today =]] best gift EVER!
Tschuβi!
so today's Valentine's day and I'd like to dedicate my first post to all the people in my life whom I love and am thinking about today =]]
mike, kelly, mary, anna, liz, jackie, lareyna, mom, dad, trista, jenna, every other family member I have (which is hard to think about how many people that is, but i tried lol), brittney, megan, molly, the Hefers, the Hankses and Trainors and mike's other family, etc. etc. Valentine's day is about LOVE. not couple love, ALL love. please get that straight people and stop hating valentine's day! =PP you bring other people down by hating it. oh, and for the record, I got a handwritten poem from mike today =]] best gift EVER!
Tschuβi!
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