A Dedication.

Sometimes I feel like a completely different person than I used to be. I know that's probably true on some levels, but not all of them. I used to want to be a writer. A famous writer, or at least semi-known writer. I would LOVE to write a best-seller. I still want to be a writer, but I haven't written anything in a long time. I'm hoping to try treating my blog as a journal to get my thoughts going. I also used to want to be a teacher. I'm still going back and forth about that, but I will stick with an English degree for the time being. And I'm not sure about German anymore. I think I go back and forth about German a lot, but we'll see what happens in the fall.

Right now, at this moment in time, I want to write something small for a living. I don't know what, but little things, like instruction manuals, or summaries on the back of books! I want to work for Hallmark coming up with new and creative ideas for greeting cards. I want the Hallmark summer internship next summer. I want them to think that I'm good enough to do the internship all next summer in Kansas City. Then I want them to like me even more and hire me after I graduate! I want so many things! I want to be married in the next 3-5 years. I want to have a nice apartment with Mike after I graduate. I want my family to be better than normal.

I used to think my family and my life sucked. Then I met Mike. I know this is sappy, but my life, or at least my outlook on certain aspects of my life, took a turn for the better when I met and started dating him. We've been together almost 4 years and I know that I am a changed woman because of him, or at least that we have helped each other grow into the people we want to be for the rest of our lives. I want to have a family with him, grow old with him, etc. etc. So basically, my life did suck earlier in my life. When I look back on it, I dealt with things much better than most people would have. I went through some tough things, and am still dealing with family issues and issues with myself as a person, and I'm still doing pretty damn alright.

I am very satisfied with my life so far. I have few regrets, although there are always things I wish I would have done or would have said, but none that haunt me or tear me down. There are so many things I want to do with my life, but what happens if I'm unable to do all the things I want to do? What happens when all the things we hope to accomplish in life never happen? Or some of them do, but some of them don't? How do we justify failing in all that we hope to accomplish in our lives? How do we move on once we fail, and even more importantly, how do we come to accept that we missed that opportunity and failed ourselves?

These are some of the big picture, life-long worries I think about on an almost daily basis. Among other more age-appropriate ones such as what do I do when I graduate? What classes will I take next semester? How am I going to survive on my own in an apartment with 3 roommates next year? What will I eat? I have plenty more. But none as important as the first: How do I justify failing in all that I hope to accomplish in my life? That is one of my biggest worries in life. I know that I won't be able to possibly do every single thing that I want to do. For instance, I would LOVE to be on The Voice; contrary to anyone's belief, I can sing, and I can sing WELL. I might even send in an online audition video for next season. Who knows what can happen right? That's another issue I have to deal with. No one knows for sure what will happen in an hour, tomorrow, a week from now, years from now. I can plan all I want, and I can hope, pray, and wish for the things I want and need, but those things may not work out. How do I possibly go on living if I don't get those things?

That may be a spoiled kid talking, but I don't mean physical possessions, although the next cute pair of shoes i see will definitely go on my "want" list. I mean everything in my life. I believe that I can shape my life, even though I can't control it completely. I'm just worried that I won't push myself to my full potential and therefore I won't achieve what I want most in this life and I won't be happy forever. Thankfully, I have my family, friends, and Mike to rely on. They are my anchors in life, the only stable things in anyone's life.

So, even though not many of the most important people in my life will read this, this post goes out to them. Those people who I can talk to about everything under the sun. And especially Mike, who I can talk to about literally anything and he will give me his input, or direct me to someone who can help me. I love you all. Thank you for everything.

Peace, Love, Amen.

Update!

I haven't been on here in a LONG time. I thought I'd update everyone, or no one, on my life right now. My mother is a lost cause. That's about all I can say about her right now. My dad is absolutely amazing, and I'm sorry I ever thought less of him. My sisters are great. My niece Nova Jay is ADORABLE and hopefully coming to love me more as well =]] Here is an adorable pic of her!

Anyway... I'm home for the summer, and by home i mean at Mary's. It's been nice, although I'm already wishing I had my own place. I want my own place. I just need a damn job with which to pay for a place! Maybe next summer =]] 


Mike is wonderful, as always. I'm hoping to visit him twice in July, to make up for none in June and probably none in August. Hoping to get a job SOON, though, so that might change. I am officially going to be a Junior in college next fall and OMG is my college career flying by! Mary and Abby graduated, Mike will graduate next spring, and then me and my friends the spring after that. WOW. Anyway, enough for now. I'll try to keep up with this more this summer with all this time on my hands. 


Off to dinner, and hopefully reading =]]
Tschüβi!