First of all, let me just say, Holy cow! It's been a long time since I've posted anything! It's been a crazy last couple months. I'd like to start with my Germany trip, and work my way up to the grand finale of news! =D
So, I leave for Germany next Wednesday, I think. My days are all mixed up. The 26th though, and I am finally getting nervous! I can't wait to experience what Germany has to offer, after 8 years of learning about it, I know that it's a lot. I think I'm most nervous about flying by myself, getting through security, getting my ticket, etc. I haven't flown in maybe 4 years? And I just feel like a newb. Especially flying to NJ, then to Germany. But it will be an adventure and I can't wait to start it! I'd like to think I'll be blogging while I'm there for all you guys back home, but that probably won't happen, so don't get your hopes up ;)
Speaking of learning German, my German class put on a play a couple weekends ago! It was such a great experience, inspite of all the time and effort I put into rehearsals, and the stress it caused me. I'm so glad Gesa made us do it, and I really bonded with my German class! And it changed me, I think. I feel way more confident about myself (Not that I was lacking in that department. Do you know how big my ego is?!) And for those of you who don't know, I like to keep my friends close, so they're few and far between, but I became friends with Cameron from my class, and he's great! I'm proud of myself for making a good friend during my senior year of college... haha.
Which leads to my next order of business: Graduation! I graduate in May of next year! Holy cow, how did that happen?! Anyways, that's all I really have to say about that. I don't know when it is, probably May 18th or something? I haven't gotten any information about it yet, but woohoo! On to bigger and better things!
And by bigger and better things, I mean life! Particularly my wedding! =D Mike proposed on Tuesday night, I said yes, we both have rings, we're all set! Except don't ask us when the wedding will be. We have no clue, so if you haven't already asked, don't. I promise you'll all know when we do! Just know that it'll be epic, awesome, and beautiful. And probably the most bomb wedding you've ever been to ;) And that's my ego talking... ;) Anyways, I am so incredibly happy! Not only because I finally have my dream ring on my finger, but because Mike and I are finally on our way to actually getting married, and EVERYONE knows it now =D We've been talking about this for awhile, and it's finally becoming a reality. I get to spend the rest of my life with the most amazing man I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. And I no longer have a boyfriend, nor will I ever have one again! I have a fiance! =D Which is so weird to say.
Well, that's about all for now. I could go on and on about Mike and his wonderful-ness, but I'll spare you. For now ;)
Ayla
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
My soap box of life
"The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them.
But why should you keep your head over your shoulder? Why drag about this corpse of your memory, lest you contradict somewhat you have stated in this or that public place? Supposed you should contradict yourself; what then? ...
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds... With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day.---'Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.'---Is it so bad then to be misunderstood? ... To be great is to be misunderstood."
Ralph Waldo Emerson- from "Part II. Self-Reliance" from Nature
In Summary: Change your mind! Then change your mind again! Don't be the same person you were yesterday; if you're sick of something, CHANGE yourself! Make yourself into the person you want to be! Don't say/think "I can't help it, it's who i am." DO something about it. change whatever it is you don't like.
Change your opinion; who cares if you confuse people! Be who you are, TODAY. Not who you thought you were yesterday, or who you think you've been your whole life. People would be SO boring and predictable if they didn't change their minds. Yes, it may be easy or expected for you to have the same views forever and ever (anyone else need to say "Amen" after that?). But you're not reaching your full potential if you stay the same!
Emerson writes "With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do." And he is right! Why should we bother even living our lives if we stay the same, never growing or changing or broadening our minds?
What, then, is the point of living? (I am NOT suggesting we all go kill ourselves). We are ever-changing beings; we need to change to survive.
I'll get off my soap box of life now =]] This is one of my favorite literary quotes EVER. I love everything about it, and I try to live by this every day. It's hard, and almost never happens, but I try to think about it.
Viel Glück! (That's "good luck" in German for those of you who don't know немецкий язик (and that's "German Language" in Russian =]]))
Monday, October 1, 2012
our own kind of sisterhood
Together we could take on the world. There was nothing we couldn't do. That's how we felt that summer. The summer before our lives changed completely. At the risk of sounding like a Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants novel, it's true. I don't think any of us could have guessed where we'd be in 4 years: Anna studying to be a teacher and soon to be married, Mary got a degree in culinary arts and is married with 3 stepchildren, Jackie studying Interior Design at ISU and interning at Shelter last summer, and me, Ayla, studying German Studies and English and interning at New Moon Girls, patiently awaiting my own engagement and subsequent wedding. It is so fascinating and amazing to see how far we've all come since that summer. We're not the graduated high school seniors we once were; we've grown, we've changed, we've learned, and we've aged. We've stuck together, but moved apart. There's STILL nothing we can't do, especially when we have each other.
I'd like to take this moment, this night, to thank my friends, the ones mentioned here and all the others, for all they've done to keep me sane throughout my life. I really wouldn't be who I am today, where I am today, without you all. You've all helped change me--we've all changed each other. We've grown up together and helped each other through everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. I can only hope that our lives won't take us farther and farther apart. Because I need you. And couldn't live without you.
Peace, love, and all things friendly,
Ay
I'd like to take this moment, this night, to thank my friends, the ones mentioned here and all the others, for all they've done to keep me sane throughout my life. I really wouldn't be who I am today, where I am today, without you all. You've all helped change me--we've all changed each other. We've grown up together and helped each other through everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. I can only hope that our lives won't take us farther and farther apart. Because I need you. And couldn't live without you.
Peace, love, and all things friendly,
Ay
Saturday, September 29, 2012
memories and musings.
For someone who strives to remember everything, it sure is hard to hold onto some memories. Especially the ones I shouldn't want to remember. The man who sat next to me on the bus today smelled like booze. Maybe it was just my imagination, but whatever the reason for the smell, it was familiar to me. As I stared out the window I "ran" the smell through my mind trying to find the correct location for its familiarity. Then it hit me. The memory came back completely in that moment. It's still with me now.
The smell reminded me of a time when I was young, a little bit lonely, and a little too willing to be someone else for a night. The reason I want to remember is so that I can remind myself of where I was, and where I am now. Of a time when I was sad and needed something I thought I couldn't get anywhere else: comfort. That smell brought me back to that time and place and specific moments that weren't my proudest. I remember exactly what his lips felt like. What his breath smelled like (which was probably what mine smelled like, too). I wanted him to put his arm around me, to hold me close and not let go for the night. I wanted to be someone else, someone who did whatever she wanted, with whoever she wanted.
I want to keep these kinds of memories among the good ones, because I'm afraid I'll forget what that felt like, and end up back in that place again. But more than that, I want to remember exactly how I've gotten to where I am today. What made me this person? Why don't I do those kinds of things? I need to remember in order to continue being who I am. If I ever falter, I can look back on my life and remember the ways I've already tried to cope, and hopefully not repeat them.
Memories are meant to remind us. Of good things and bad, of frightening and comforting things. We are meant to remember, not only to tell others about the ways of the world, but to remind ourselves what we've already tried and failed or succeeded at. We must constantly remind ourselves of our accomplishments so that we never forget what we've achieved, and what we're capable of, so that we will always strive to do amazing things. We must also remember our failures, and times when we've strayed, in order to prevent the same things from happening again. This is the only way we can grow and change for the better.
The smell reminded me of a time when I was young, a little bit lonely, and a little too willing to be someone else for a night. The reason I want to remember is so that I can remind myself of where I was, and where I am now. Of a time when I was sad and needed something I thought I couldn't get anywhere else: comfort. That smell brought me back to that time and place and specific moments that weren't my proudest. I remember exactly what his lips felt like. What his breath smelled like (which was probably what mine smelled like, too). I wanted him to put his arm around me, to hold me close and not let go for the night. I wanted to be someone else, someone who did whatever she wanted, with whoever she wanted.
I want to keep these kinds of memories among the good ones, because I'm afraid I'll forget what that felt like, and end up back in that place again. But more than that, I want to remember exactly how I've gotten to where I am today. What made me this person? Why don't I do those kinds of things? I need to remember in order to continue being who I am. If I ever falter, I can look back on my life and remember the ways I've already tried to cope, and hopefully not repeat them.
Memories are meant to remind us. Of good things and bad, of frightening and comforting things. We are meant to remember, not only to tell others about the ways of the world, but to remind ourselves what we've already tried and failed or succeeded at. We must constantly remind ourselves of our accomplishments so that we never forget what we've achieved, and what we're capable of, so that we will always strive to do amazing things. We must also remember our failures, and times when we've strayed, in order to prevent the same things from happening again. This is the only way we can grow and change for the better.
Monday, September 24, 2012
New Moon Girls internship!
I want to share with you all (y'all) a bit about my internship. For those of you who are wondering (as I was in my last post!). My "title" is Multi-Media Intern. I work on the marketing aspects of the magazine/online community. I post from NMG's Google+ page to organizations about upcoming events on NewMoon.com, I write the weekly Girls Enewsletter (my first one goes out this week!), I also update the Enews emails lists when needed, I post on NMG's Google+ page about upcoming events from our affiliates, and I also moderate the website (4 hours/week checking and approving EVERYTHING the girls post on the site).
Today I had a mini freak out moment when I realized, again, how exciting and awesome it is that girls all over the world are going to read MY enews this week! I am so excited to be able to reach all those girls, even if it is only a weekly update on what's going on at NMG. My enews impacts thousands of girls worldwide; how cool is that?!
Also, I'm finally getting the hang of things around NMG. It's completely online, which is great for my schedule, but hard for me to keep up with. I have to constantly push myself to check/remember what I need to do and when I need to do it. It's a challenge for me so far, but I'm keeping up with it and learning along the way. I can already tell that this internship is changing me for the better. I can't wait to re-evaluate myself after the semester's over!
So, at the risk of sounding like Miss Marketing of NMG, check out the site, register as a parent or girl ages 8-15 or even a gift-giver, and get involved! I hope you enjoy it!
Ayla R. Otto, Multi-Media Intern
Today I had a mini freak out moment when I realized, again, how exciting and awesome it is that girls all over the world are going to read MY enews this week! I am so excited to be able to reach all those girls, even if it is only a weekly update on what's going on at NMG. My enews impacts thousands of girls worldwide; how cool is that?!
Also, I'm finally getting the hang of things around NMG. It's completely online, which is great for my schedule, but hard for me to keep up with. I have to constantly push myself to check/remember what I need to do and when I need to do it. It's a challenge for me so far, but I'm keeping up with it and learning along the way. I can already tell that this internship is changing me for the better. I can't wait to re-evaluate myself after the semester's over!
So, at the risk of sounding like Miss Marketing of NMG, check out the site, register as a parent or girl ages 8-15 or even a gift-giver, and get involved! I hope you enjoy it!
Ayla R. Otto, Multi-Media Intern
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
an EXCITING update on my life (seriously)
So, holy cow it's been a long time since I blogged! Sorry for any of you looking for updates =]] But since school starts next week, I've been forced to think about my plans for the school year, and decided to update anyone who wants to know.
First of all, I'll be a senior this year! My last year of college, I'll graduate with 2 degrees: a B.A. in German Studies and a B.A. in English-Liberal Arts. I'm not sure what I will do with either of these degrees, but I'd love to work at Hallmark, study abroad/work abroad, and/or go to grad school for English or Creative Writing. A lot to think about, but I have time. I'm only 20 after all.
Which leads to my next life event: my 21st birthday! I'll FINALLY be 21 on September 10th. It's a Monday night, and a school night, so I'm not sure what I'll be doing, but Trista, Jason, and Nova will be up here for part of that weekend, as will Mike's parents. It will be a good weekend seeing people I miss from home =]] I'm excited to finally be "old" lol.
Speaking of feeling old, Jenna moved into her dorm on Sunday! Holy crap! I'm so excited for her, but I also feel kinda old.... Haha. She's going to do so many big things. I can just feel it. She's so dedicated to her music and school, she'll go far. ("You're gonna go far kid")
Anyway, back to me ;) I got an internship! I'll be working for school credit for New Moon Girls, an online magazine for girls ages 8-15. I'm not sure exactly what I'll be doing, but it could be anything from editing to marketing to writing blog posts for the website. I hope I'll get to do lots of writing. It'll be at least 10 hours a week, and I get to work from home! Which is super convenient for me this semester since I'll have school AND my job at Holiday Inn.
I'll be working 2-3 days a week at the hotel, hopefully only 2 days. If it gets too busy I'll drop it down to 2 days. Anyway, work has been going well. I work 5 days a week, although the last month and a half I've been getting faster at cleaning my rooms and therefore getting done with work early. Which significantly affects my paychecks. But at least I get more freetime =]]
In my freetime I've been hanging out with Mike, my roommates occasionally, reading (I've read all three Hunger Games books and then some), and yesterday crafty projects! I made a case for my Kindle out of an old book (which kind of failed, but it'll be useful anyway). I've been working on "decorating" a Crown Royal bottle with the drippings of candles (2 candles dripped so far, super cool). I also hung pictures of shoes on a portion of my wall (Kelly gave me a page-a-day calendar last year of shoes). It's pretty sweet.
Now onto bigger and better things :) I'll FINALLY be going to Germany this year! Yes, I know, it's a miracle. I've been studying German for 7 years and am finally going to go there. I haven't been accepted into the program yet, but I'm pretty sure I'll be a shoe-in =]] It's over winter break starting December 26 and going until January 13. It's a hardcore program with a ton of learning involved. It's worth 4 credits (which leaves me with 1 extra German credit for my major), just barely making enough credits for graduation =]] We stay in a big house, there's 15 of us. We go to tons of museums and historical places. We do a bunch of projects and presentations, ALL in Deutschland! I'm actually really nervous/freaking out about the whole thing, but I can't WAIT to be in Germany! Speaking German with other germans! =D
So, that's my update. Feel like I'm forgetting something, but I can always blog again soon =]]
Tschussi! (cutesy Ayla-esque way of saying goodbye in German =]])
First of all, I'll be a senior this year! My last year of college, I'll graduate with 2 degrees: a B.A. in German Studies and a B.A. in English-Liberal Arts. I'm not sure what I will do with either of these degrees, but I'd love to work at Hallmark, study abroad/work abroad, and/or go to grad school for English or Creative Writing. A lot to think about, but I have time. I'm only 20 after all.
Which leads to my next life event: my 21st birthday! I'll FINALLY be 21 on September 10th. It's a Monday night, and a school night, so I'm not sure what I'll be doing, but Trista, Jason, and Nova will be up here for part of that weekend, as will Mike's parents. It will be a good weekend seeing people I miss from home =]] I'm excited to finally be "old" lol.
Speaking of feeling old, Jenna moved into her dorm on Sunday! Holy crap! I'm so excited for her, but I also feel kinda old.... Haha. She's going to do so many big things. I can just feel it. She's so dedicated to her music and school, she'll go far. ("You're gonna go far kid")
Anyway, back to me ;) I got an internship! I'll be working for school credit for New Moon Girls, an online magazine for girls ages 8-15. I'm not sure exactly what I'll be doing, but it could be anything from editing to marketing to writing blog posts for the website. I hope I'll get to do lots of writing. It'll be at least 10 hours a week, and I get to work from home! Which is super convenient for me this semester since I'll have school AND my job at Holiday Inn.
I'll be working 2-3 days a week at the hotel, hopefully only 2 days. If it gets too busy I'll drop it down to 2 days. Anyway, work has been going well. I work 5 days a week, although the last month and a half I've been getting faster at cleaning my rooms and therefore getting done with work early. Which significantly affects my paychecks. But at least I get more freetime =]]
In my freetime I've been hanging out with Mike, my roommates occasionally, reading (I've read all three Hunger Games books and then some), and yesterday crafty projects! I made a case for my Kindle out of an old book (which kind of failed, but it'll be useful anyway). I've been working on "decorating" a Crown Royal bottle with the drippings of candles (2 candles dripped so far, super cool). I also hung pictures of shoes on a portion of my wall (Kelly gave me a page-a-day calendar last year of shoes). It's pretty sweet.
Now onto bigger and better things :) I'll FINALLY be going to Germany this year! Yes, I know, it's a miracle. I've been studying German for 7 years and am finally going to go there. I haven't been accepted into the program yet, but I'm pretty sure I'll be a shoe-in =]] It's over winter break starting December 26 and going until January 13. It's a hardcore program with a ton of learning involved. It's worth 4 credits (which leaves me with 1 extra German credit for my major), just barely making enough credits for graduation =]] We stay in a big house, there's 15 of us. We go to tons of museums and historical places. We do a bunch of projects and presentations, ALL in Deutschland! I'm actually really nervous/freaking out about the whole thing, but I can't WAIT to be in Germany! Speaking German with other germans! =D
So, that's my update. Feel like I'm forgetting something, but I can always blog again soon =]]
Tschussi! (cutesy Ayla-esque way of saying goodbye in German =]])
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
vegetative state, monotony, routine, and all those exciting things.
I should be in bed right now, considering I have to be up at 7:30 to get ready for work, but I feel like I need to write instead. This is my second week living in Duluth, completely on my own, working almost everyday, seeing Mike almost never, and my roommates even less than that. I thought I would be THRILLED to move up here, finally live in Duluth, be on my own all summer, working to pay rent, etc. I am far from it. I feel like my life is completely monotonous. I do the same thing almost all the time, and even when I have a plan with Mike or to clean, etc., I still know that I'll be working 9-5 the next day, and the next day, and almost everyday all summer long. I am one for routine, but apparently not for summertime. I feel like my life has no purpose right now. I don't know how to describe it, but I'm going to try, for my sake =]]
I get up in the morning, take the bus to work, get my room cleaning assignments, hopefully finish them in time but sometimes having to stay late, take the bus home, shower, eat something (often not anything that I have to cook because I'm too tired and unmotivated), vege out until 10 or 10:30 when I make myself go to bed. I am REALLY living the life up here. I'm trying to change my outlook on things, make myself not focus on work, so that when I have time off or to myself, I don't have to think about going to work the next day; just live in the moment. That is something I've struggled with most of my life, and it's not getting any easier the more monotonous my life gets.
It's so strange that I'm in this funk. I never thought I'd need time to adjust to the "ease" of living up here and working. That should be simple. All I do is work, read, sleep, eat, and occasionally hang with the roomies or the bf. Nothing to worry about but that. On the contrary, I am completely unsatisfied with myself, except for the fact that I'm making money. But my own personal "Ayla-ness" and my inner persona is not shining at all. I can't decide if I just have to accept that and move on, or if there's some way I can make that work within my monotony.
Tonight is an especially awful feeling night. I had a wonderful day off with Mike, got home around 8:45 or 9 ish, then all I had was a couple hours before bed and work and the rest of my routine starts again. I want more time off to contemplate life and think about things that I need to. I want more time to read and write and blog, as the case may be. I was able to watch the first episode of Pretty Little Liars tonight, which was GREAT. I'm addicted all over again. And I am SO thankful I'm blogging, but tomorrow I'll feel the same way again.
I'm hoping this is just one of those moments in my life when I just need time to adjust to my new life. I seem to have a lot of those (I'm sure everyone does). I know that in the past I have been exceptionally great at adjusting, but maybe that was just a front I put on for my friends, family, teachers, etc. Here and now, when I'm alone most of the time (which I really don't mind, by the way), all I can think about is how lame and boring my life is. About half the time I'm ok with that, the other half of the time I'm kicking myself for being a homebody, for this job that's the same hours everyday, for this townhome that isn't amazing. All I can think about is how it's been almost two weeks here and I'm still not settled in, both mentally and physically. Some of my stuff is still in boxes because I have no time and never want to unpack. My mind on the other hand has already unpacked itself, leaving me to deal with all the shit that goes on up there in my head all on my own. It's really frustrating.
I just want school to start again, I want to be able to see my roommates, my boyfriend, and my best friends all the time. I want to be able to go see a movie when I want to. I want to play mini golf (or putt putt as Mike calls it) and go to the beach. I want to sit on my ass and do nothing for more than just a few hours at night. I want to stop feeling tired all the time. I realize that most of this stuff is a lesson in mind over matter for me. I just need to think positive. I've been doing that, for the most part. I'm a pretty positive person, except when I'm alone in my room thinking about all the things I want to do with my summer, and all the things I probably won't get to do.
And now I must apologize at least a little for this post. I enjoy my own posts, they're mainly for my own personal gain anyway, but I realize that some people may actually read this, and be bored with it. But at least you get a taste of what's been going on inside my head. That's always intriguing and interesting to me. Hopefully I'll start blogging more. It helps me, and it's fun =]]
Be true to yourself!
A
I get up in the morning, take the bus to work, get my room cleaning assignments, hopefully finish them in time but sometimes having to stay late, take the bus home, shower, eat something (often not anything that I have to cook because I'm too tired and unmotivated), vege out until 10 or 10:30 when I make myself go to bed. I am REALLY living the life up here. I'm trying to change my outlook on things, make myself not focus on work, so that when I have time off or to myself, I don't have to think about going to work the next day; just live in the moment. That is something I've struggled with most of my life, and it's not getting any easier the more monotonous my life gets.
It's so strange that I'm in this funk. I never thought I'd need time to adjust to the "ease" of living up here and working. That should be simple. All I do is work, read, sleep, eat, and occasionally hang with the roomies or the bf. Nothing to worry about but that. On the contrary, I am completely unsatisfied with myself, except for the fact that I'm making money. But my own personal "Ayla-ness" and my inner persona is not shining at all. I can't decide if I just have to accept that and move on, or if there's some way I can make that work within my monotony.
Tonight is an especially awful feeling night. I had a wonderful day off with Mike, got home around 8:45 or 9 ish, then all I had was a couple hours before bed and work and the rest of my routine starts again. I want more time off to contemplate life and think about things that I need to. I want more time to read and write and blog, as the case may be. I was able to watch the first episode of Pretty Little Liars tonight, which was GREAT. I'm addicted all over again. And I am SO thankful I'm blogging, but tomorrow I'll feel the same way again.
I'm hoping this is just one of those moments in my life when I just need time to adjust to my new life. I seem to have a lot of those (I'm sure everyone does). I know that in the past I have been exceptionally great at adjusting, but maybe that was just a front I put on for my friends, family, teachers, etc. Here and now, when I'm alone most of the time (which I really don't mind, by the way), all I can think about is how lame and boring my life is. About half the time I'm ok with that, the other half of the time I'm kicking myself for being a homebody, for this job that's the same hours everyday, for this townhome that isn't amazing. All I can think about is how it's been almost two weeks here and I'm still not settled in, both mentally and physically. Some of my stuff is still in boxes because I have no time and never want to unpack. My mind on the other hand has already unpacked itself, leaving me to deal with all the shit that goes on up there in my head all on my own. It's really frustrating.
I just want school to start again, I want to be able to see my roommates, my boyfriend, and my best friends all the time. I want to be able to go see a movie when I want to. I want to play mini golf (or putt putt as Mike calls it) and go to the beach. I want to sit on my ass and do nothing for more than just a few hours at night. I want to stop feeling tired all the time. I realize that most of this stuff is a lesson in mind over matter for me. I just need to think positive. I've been doing that, for the most part. I'm a pretty positive person, except when I'm alone in my room thinking about all the things I want to do with my summer, and all the things I probably won't get to do.
And now I must apologize at least a little for this post. I enjoy my own posts, they're mainly for my own personal gain anyway, but I realize that some people may actually read this, and be bored with it. But at least you get a taste of what's been going on inside my head. That's always intriguing and interesting to me. Hopefully I'll start blogging more. It helps me, and it's fun =]]
Be true to yourself!
A
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Extra, Extra read all about it! --> my life lately
I thought I knew what I was going to write about tonight, but now I kinda forgot. So we'll see where this leads.
I'm having a nice AYLA night. mostly to myself. Catching up on two of my forgotten favorite shows Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice, getting emotional on and off, and thinking about my life. As always. Now listening to music is getting me into this blogging funk (used in a positive way =]]) Love love LOVE my WakeyWakey! Pandora Station. Can't get enough of it. I want an iTouch so I can listen to it ALL THE TIME. Even at school! :O It gets my creative juices flowing, which detracts from my schoolwork, so maybe it's a good thing I can't listen to it at school.
I had my fourth day of work at Holiday Inn today. It was my first solo housekeeping day. Got 8 rooms assigned to me, and it took me about 6 and a half hours. Maybe 6 including lunch break. First solo day, and I felt awful afterwards. I set my "bar" really high, so I was disappointed in myself most of the day, causing a headache almost all day, dehydration, and stress on an unbearable level. This is another instance in my life where thinking gets me into trouble. BUT, I'm hoping that upon further contemplation, I realize that I did a good job today, considering it was my first solo day. I'll get back to you on that in a few days. I'm excited to have a job, and to be getting paychecks (even though they're small, only working weekends right now). I feel like my life has a purpose, as if it didn't before, you say? Well, I think I was missing out on a big part of living and existing, even though working blows. I feel a renewed sense of self-worth, not that I didn't value myself before, but still. AND, the physical labor of this job is only getting started, I know, but holy sh**! I am working myself physically, and obviously mentally as well, to my maximum. It's crazy.
Anyway, that's an update on my life that most people don't get to hear. I don't like advertising my new job, A. because it's new. and B. because everyone who knows me will be shocked, and I can't handle that kind of negative energy right now. Not yet. But to all you who care to know, work is work. I liked it up until today, but we'll see how the rest of the summer/year goes!
Now onto bigger and better things. I registered for classes last week! =DDD I'm taking Intro to German Literary Studies, which I'm SO excited about! And beginning Russian which I'm probably the most excited about. And a few other classes, but none as exciting as those! I can't wait for next fall, living in our new apartment, riding the bus to school everyday (I'm sure I'll hate it at that point), attending new classes, getting ready to graduate, and possibly taking the GRE! And applying (possibly) to grad school. Woo! I can't decide what I want to go to more schooling for. Writing, even though I have no "real" experience with that, or English Masters or Doctorate. I'll have to figure that out this summer. Anywho, should pack up my stuff for school and go to bed.
Nighty night!
A
("A" really is everywhere! ;) )
I'm having a nice AYLA night. mostly to myself. Catching up on two of my forgotten favorite shows Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice, getting emotional on and off, and thinking about my life. As always. Now listening to music is getting me into this blogging funk (used in a positive way =]]) Love love LOVE my WakeyWakey! Pandora Station. Can't get enough of it. I want an iTouch so I can listen to it ALL THE TIME. Even at school! :O It gets my creative juices flowing, which detracts from my schoolwork, so maybe it's a good thing I can't listen to it at school.
I had my fourth day of work at Holiday Inn today. It was my first solo housekeeping day. Got 8 rooms assigned to me, and it took me about 6 and a half hours. Maybe 6 including lunch break. First solo day, and I felt awful afterwards. I set my "bar" really high, so I was disappointed in myself most of the day, causing a headache almost all day, dehydration, and stress on an unbearable level. This is another instance in my life where thinking gets me into trouble. BUT, I'm hoping that upon further contemplation, I realize that I did a good job today, considering it was my first solo day. I'll get back to you on that in a few days. I'm excited to have a job, and to be getting paychecks (even though they're small, only working weekends right now). I feel like my life has a purpose, as if it didn't before, you say? Well, I think I was missing out on a big part of living and existing, even though working blows. I feel a renewed sense of self-worth, not that I didn't value myself before, but still. AND, the physical labor of this job is only getting started, I know, but holy sh**! I am working myself physically, and obviously mentally as well, to my maximum. It's crazy.
Anyway, that's an update on my life that most people don't get to hear. I don't like advertising my new job, A. because it's new. and B. because everyone who knows me will be shocked, and I can't handle that kind of negative energy right now. Not yet. But to all you who care to know, work is work. I liked it up until today, but we'll see how the rest of the summer/year goes!
Now onto bigger and better things. I registered for classes last week! =DDD I'm taking Intro to German Literary Studies, which I'm SO excited about! And beginning Russian which I'm probably the most excited about. And a few other classes, but none as exciting as those! I can't wait for next fall, living in our new apartment, riding the bus to school everyday (I'm sure I'll hate it at that point), attending new classes, getting ready to graduate, and possibly taking the GRE! And applying (possibly) to grad school. Woo! I can't decide what I want to go to more schooling for. Writing, even though I have no "real" experience with that, or English Masters or Doctorate. I'll have to figure that out this summer. Anywho, should pack up my stuff for school and go to bed.
Nighty night!
A
("A" really is everywhere! ;) )
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
the road to acceptance
Sometimes I think that I'm a "writer" in the sense that I dream and daydream and imagine impossible things and want things out of life that aren't really possible. It makes sense in my head, but not enought to describe it here. Maybe it'll make more sense as I type. I was just thinking about my life lately, my day-to-day life (Alltagsleben in German, which makes more sense to me lol). There is never a moment when I am completely at ease, when I don't have any worries at all whatsoever: no papers due in a few weeks, no chapters needing to be read, no work to think about, no life issues to think about, no shopping needed, etc etc. I am always thinking about the next thing I have to do. So maybe this is my fault for thinking too much, but I haven't had a completely peaceful, do nothing day in I don't know how long.
I want to spend a day lying around, cuddling with Mike while he plays video/computer games, me reading like I SO want to do, or even writing. I want to sit and not worry or think about the next few hours or days or months or years. I want to just BE. Simply being is the most beautiful thing in the world; some would call that laziness, but I think it's quite the opposite. It's being able to stop your mind from thinking of things you can't control, for even just a minute, and realizing all the things you have and appreciate the life you've been living. It takes hard work to be able to go from lifelong thinker to one day BE-er.
I want to be able to do that. I want to be ahead on my homework, or have enough time to think about and write all my papers in one day. There are not enough hours in the day to do all the things I want to do. I'm reminded of my dad when I think about that. He says/thinks that quite frequently, and he's a middle-aged man! How can I have 20+ more years of thinking that? How can I ever accept how much time I have, and do with it what I need to, and go to sleep happy and proud of all I accomplished that day? How can I give myself the break I need to go on with the rest of my life? How can I have time for a break at all when there's so much I want to accomplish in my life?
I want to be a writer, but I never have time to write. I want to read hundreds and probably thousands of books, but how is there going to be enough time in my life to read all the books I want to? What if I don't read them all? How will I feel on my death bed when I realize I still haven't read The Hunger Games series? How in the hell will I be able to accept the things I cannot do in life? And when will I realize that I really can do anything if I just make time for it? And how will I make time for the things I need to accomplish? It's a never-ending circle of "How"s and "When"s. I need to start writing, like seriously writing if I want to publish or try to publish anything in my lifetime, but all I ever feel like writing is thoughts about my life. Which is ok, I'd like to write based on my life, but it's hard. I suppose starting with this blog and a journal is the way to go. Figure out the rest later, but how much later? How long can I afford to wait? It kills me to think that I don't have an endless amount of time on this earth, not because I don't want to die, but because there's so much I want to do, and so little time to prepare myself for those things, and then go out and do them.
Maybe I have to stop mentally preparing for things. Maybe that's my ultimate problem in life: thinking, preparing, ruminating. But these are also my greatest strengths, the reasons I feel like I have the mind of a writer and a thinker. How do I find the happy medium necessary to go on with my life and be satisfied with it? That is the question. To be a thinker, or not to be, as Hamlet once soliloquied, or close enough at least.
These are the kinds of things I thought about in the last couple hours. I apologize if you could care less about the ideas in this post, but again, I want to evoke thoughts from other people, in addition to cataloging my own thoughts about life, and evoking more thoughts in the future (for my book someday!)
Have a good night!
Poka (Russian for "Bye")
I want to spend a day lying around, cuddling with Mike while he plays video/computer games, me reading like I SO want to do, or even writing. I want to sit and not worry or think about the next few hours or days or months or years. I want to just BE. Simply being is the most beautiful thing in the world; some would call that laziness, but I think it's quite the opposite. It's being able to stop your mind from thinking of things you can't control, for even just a minute, and realizing all the things you have and appreciate the life you've been living. It takes hard work to be able to go from lifelong thinker to one day BE-er.
I want to be able to do that. I want to be ahead on my homework, or have enough time to think about and write all my papers in one day. There are not enough hours in the day to do all the things I want to do. I'm reminded of my dad when I think about that. He says/thinks that quite frequently, and he's a middle-aged man! How can I have 20+ more years of thinking that? How can I ever accept how much time I have, and do with it what I need to, and go to sleep happy and proud of all I accomplished that day? How can I give myself the break I need to go on with the rest of my life? How can I have time for a break at all when there's so much I want to accomplish in my life?
I want to be a writer, but I never have time to write. I want to read hundreds and probably thousands of books, but how is there going to be enough time in my life to read all the books I want to? What if I don't read them all? How will I feel on my death bed when I realize I still haven't read The Hunger Games series? How in the hell will I be able to accept the things I cannot do in life? And when will I realize that I really can do anything if I just make time for it? And how will I make time for the things I need to accomplish? It's a never-ending circle of "How"s and "When"s. I need to start writing, like seriously writing if I want to publish or try to publish anything in my lifetime, but all I ever feel like writing is thoughts about my life. Which is ok, I'd like to write based on my life, but it's hard. I suppose starting with this blog and a journal is the way to go. Figure out the rest later, but how much later? How long can I afford to wait? It kills me to think that I don't have an endless amount of time on this earth, not because I don't want to die, but because there's so much I want to do, and so little time to prepare myself for those things, and then go out and do them.
Maybe I have to stop mentally preparing for things. Maybe that's my ultimate problem in life: thinking, preparing, ruminating. But these are also my greatest strengths, the reasons I feel like I have the mind of a writer and a thinker. How do I find the happy medium necessary to go on with my life and be satisfied with it? That is the question. To be a thinker, or not to be, as Hamlet once soliloquied, or close enough at least.
These are the kinds of things I thought about in the last couple hours. I apologize if you could care less about the ideas in this post, but again, I want to evoke thoughts from other people, in addition to cataloging my own thoughts about life, and evoking more thoughts in the future (for my book someday!)
Have a good night!
Poka (Russian for "Bye")
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Ever changing, ever writing
Do you ever realize that you're changing? I mean, obviously we're all constantly changing, every second of every day, but do you ever realize it? In the last few days, I've noticed I'm changing, or that I have changed. I spent a lot of my spring break with Mike, and we had a nice, relaxing, lazy week together. Boring, I know, but this week I've been thinking, that we have changed a lot. And by "we" I mean me, because I can't speak for Mike (even though I try to sometimes...). Thinking back on all my past relationships, short as they may have been, I can see the change in myself. Especially with Mike. I've been dating him for over 4 and a half years now, and I've changed SO much during that time. It hit me, yesterday or the day before I think, that I'm growing into a different kind of relationship with Mike, at least on my end of things. I've loved him for a long time, but I really and truly see that now. I would do anything for him, which, if you know anything about me, is saying quite a bit, me being the semi-selfish person that I am. I want him in my life from now until forever, etc. etc.
I won't bore you with too much more of this, but my point is I am aware of that change. It probably happened over the last few years, but over the last week it has manifested itself so completely that I noticed it happening. We have been really great around each other, not so much bickering, which, for us, is part of our daily routine; plenty of laughing and joking around, with neither of us being offended; and I have even been pretty darn witty lately, which is awesome for Mike and I because he's constantly cracking jokes or being witty and I had plenty of nice comebacks =]], AND I have been able to predict almost every single one of his punch lines and comebacks. None of that may make any sense to anyone else, but it all helped me realize that I'm changing, like I've said probably about ten times already in this short post.
It is so interesting to me that I am witnessing my own change! Normally, I hate change and avoid it at almost all costs, but this kind of change is definitely a good thing. I am growing up, I'm almost done with my Junior year of college, and Mike is graduating in May, which is getting me mentally prepared for my own graduation and my own future (being mentally prepared for any event, big or small, is essential to my existence; I would probably die if I wasn't able to prepare for most things in my head before they happen. And no, I'm not crazy, at least I don't think so, at least not yet). Anyway... this change thing is spectacular for me for so many reasons:
A. I LIKE it.
B. It's a positive thing for my relationship and for the rest of my future.
C. It's bringing me closer to Mike, which isn't necessary, but I think it's going to help us in the long run.
D. It has made me think about things I hadn't thought of before, and things I always think about in new ways.
(I enjoy lists, and I even do this "A, B, C..." thing when I'm speaking to people =]])
Anyway, I guess my posts aren't always geared towards other audiences, but I like to make people think, because I think about things a LOT. And not just trivial things, important things, and things that I think are interesting enough to blog about, or at least interesting enough that I want to write them down, to keep them forever so I can come back to them and remember what I thought when i was 20 years old. I am ever trying to remember everything, which is impossible, I know, but blogging/journaling/talking helps me accomplish my inconceivable goal in life: to remember everything I ever thought, said, and wrote. Hopefully someday I'll write a memoir, that would be amazing. I think my life would make an interesting book, and if not a memoir, at least a novel loosely based on my life. That'll be my best-selling novel. Look for it at your local bookstore in the next 10-60 years.
Happy remembering!
Ayla Rosemarie
I won't bore you with too much more of this, but my point is I am aware of that change. It probably happened over the last few years, but over the last week it has manifested itself so completely that I noticed it happening. We have been really great around each other, not so much bickering, which, for us, is part of our daily routine; plenty of laughing and joking around, with neither of us being offended; and I have even been pretty darn witty lately, which is awesome for Mike and I because he's constantly cracking jokes or being witty and I had plenty of nice comebacks =]], AND I have been able to predict almost every single one of his punch lines and comebacks. None of that may make any sense to anyone else, but it all helped me realize that I'm changing, like I've said probably about ten times already in this short post.
It is so interesting to me that I am witnessing my own change! Normally, I hate change and avoid it at almost all costs, but this kind of change is definitely a good thing. I am growing up, I'm almost done with my Junior year of college, and Mike is graduating in May, which is getting me mentally prepared for my own graduation and my own future (being mentally prepared for any event, big or small, is essential to my existence; I would probably die if I wasn't able to prepare for most things in my head before they happen. And no, I'm not crazy, at least I don't think so, at least not yet). Anyway... this change thing is spectacular for me for so many reasons:
A. I LIKE it.
B. It's a positive thing for my relationship and for the rest of my future.
C. It's bringing me closer to Mike, which isn't necessary, but I think it's going to help us in the long run.
D. It has made me think about things I hadn't thought of before, and things I always think about in new ways.
(I enjoy lists, and I even do this "A, B, C..." thing when I'm speaking to people =]])
Anyway, I guess my posts aren't always geared towards other audiences, but I like to make people think, because I think about things a LOT. And not just trivial things, important things, and things that I think are interesting enough to blog about, or at least interesting enough that I want to write them down, to keep them forever so I can come back to them and remember what I thought when i was 20 years old. I am ever trying to remember everything, which is impossible, I know, but blogging/journaling/talking helps me accomplish my inconceivable goal in life: to remember everything I ever thought, said, and wrote. Hopefully someday I'll write a memoir, that would be amazing. I think my life would make an interesting book, and if not a memoir, at least a novel loosely based on my life. That'll be my best-selling novel. Look for it at your local bookstore in the next 10-60 years.
Happy remembering!
Ayla Rosemarie
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Update on life and swing dance 2012!
So.. it has been a LONG time since I last blogged. So here goes nothing. A lot has happened since June: worked at James Gang, Abby got married, started my Junior year at UMD, Mike and I are even closer, family drama, Mary's engaged! Now my roommates and I are hopefully signing a lease on an apartment soon. It's weird how time flies by! At least once I take a step back and look at my life in the last 9 months.
I've realized that things change while staying the same. I am growing up every minute that passes, but I don't feel like I have changed at all. I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately, thanks to Mary, and having children, or puppies, or kittens. Mike's best friend just got a husky puppy. He is the cutest thing I've ever seen, and I want a puppy! Or a baby. Or just to speed up my life a little. Mike's graduating in May, and I still have a year left of school. It's so weird to think that he'll be done with college, and that I'm next! Crazy! And my sister's graduating high school in June. My life has kind of passed me by, so I've been trying to take more minutes everyday to appreciate my life so far. People don't appreciate what they have as often as they should, and I am no exception. Maybe that's my Lenten Goal, to appreciate what I have in my life. I'm working on it. Starting with my family, because they don't get enough credit for what they've done and what they continue to do.
I suppose I should end this post with something fun and exciting! Mike and I have been taking ballroom dancing at school, it's not what either of us thought it would be, but it's been helping us learn how to work through difficult challenges, if nothing else. And we have the opportunity to go to our hometown's annual swing dance next week, to show off our "mad" lindy skills. I'm really excited about it, and I think it'll be fun for us!
Just dance! <3
I've realized that things change while staying the same. I am growing up every minute that passes, but I don't feel like I have changed at all. I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately, thanks to Mary, and having children, or puppies, or kittens. Mike's best friend just got a husky puppy. He is the cutest thing I've ever seen, and I want a puppy! Or a baby. Or just to speed up my life a little. Mike's graduating in May, and I still have a year left of school. It's so weird to think that he'll be done with college, and that I'm next! Crazy! And my sister's graduating high school in June. My life has kind of passed me by, so I've been trying to take more minutes everyday to appreciate my life so far. People don't appreciate what they have as often as they should, and I am no exception. Maybe that's my Lenten Goal, to appreciate what I have in my life. I'm working on it. Starting with my family, because they don't get enough credit for what they've done and what they continue to do.
I suppose I should end this post with something fun and exciting! Mike and I have been taking ballroom dancing at school, it's not what either of us thought it would be, but it's been helping us learn how to work through difficult challenges, if nothing else. And we have the opportunity to go to our hometown's annual swing dance next week, to show off our "mad" lindy skills. I'm really excited about it, and I think it'll be fun for us!
Just dance! <3
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