I should be in bed right now, considering I have to be up at 7:30 to get ready for work, but I feel like I need to write instead. This is my second week living in Duluth, completely on my own, working almost everyday, seeing Mike almost never, and my roommates even less than that. I thought I would be THRILLED to move up here, finally live in Duluth, be on my own all summer, working to pay rent, etc. I am far from it. I feel like my life is completely monotonous. I do the same thing almost all the time, and even when I have a plan with Mike or to clean, etc., I still know that I'll be working 9-5 the next day, and the next day, and almost everyday all summer long. I am one for routine, but apparently not for summertime. I feel like my life has no purpose right now. I don't know how to describe it, but I'm going to try, for my sake =]]
I get up in the morning, take the bus to work, get my room cleaning assignments, hopefully finish them in time but sometimes having to stay late, take the bus home, shower, eat something (often not anything that I have to cook because I'm too tired and unmotivated), vege out until 10 or 10:30 when I make myself go to bed. I am REALLY living the life up here. I'm trying to change my outlook on things, make myself not focus on work, so that when I have time off or to myself, I don't have to think about going to work the next day; just live in the moment. That is something I've struggled with most of my life, and it's not getting any easier the more monotonous my life gets.
It's so strange that I'm in this funk. I never thought I'd need time to adjust to the "ease" of living up here and working. That should be simple. All I do is work, read, sleep, eat, and occasionally hang with the roomies or the bf. Nothing to worry about but that. On the contrary, I am completely unsatisfied with myself, except for the fact that I'm making money. But my own personal "Ayla-ness" and my inner persona is not shining at all. I can't decide if I just have to accept that and move on, or if there's some way I can make that work within my monotony.
Tonight is an especially awful feeling night. I had a wonderful day off with Mike, got home around 8:45 or 9 ish, then all I had was a couple hours before bed and work and the rest of my routine starts again. I want more time off to contemplate life and think about things that I need to. I want more time to read and write and blog, as the case may be. I was able to watch the first episode of Pretty Little Liars tonight, which was GREAT. I'm addicted all over again. And I am SO thankful I'm blogging, but tomorrow I'll feel the same way again.
I'm hoping this is just one of those moments in my life when I just need time to adjust to my new life. I seem to have a lot of those (I'm sure everyone does). I know that in the past I have been exceptionally great at adjusting, but maybe that was just a front I put on for my friends, family, teachers, etc. Here and now, when I'm alone most of the time (which I really don't mind, by the way), all I can think about is how lame and boring my life is. About half the time I'm ok with that, the other half of the time I'm kicking myself for being a homebody, for this job that's the same hours everyday, for this townhome that isn't amazing. All I can think about is how it's been almost two weeks here and I'm still not settled in, both mentally and physically. Some of my stuff is still in boxes because I have no time and never want to unpack. My mind on the other hand has already unpacked itself, leaving me to deal with all the shit that goes on up there in my head all on my own. It's really frustrating.
I just want school to start again, I want to be able to see my roommates, my boyfriend, and my best friends all the time. I want to be able to go see a movie when I want to. I want to play mini golf (or putt putt as Mike calls it) and go to the beach. I want to sit on my ass and do nothing for more than just a few hours at night. I want to stop feeling tired all the time. I realize that most of this stuff is a lesson in mind over matter for me. I just need to think positive. I've been doing that, for the most part. I'm a pretty positive person, except when I'm alone in my room thinking about all the things I want to do with my summer, and all the things I probably won't get to do.
And now I must apologize at least a little for this post. I enjoy my own posts, they're mainly for my own personal gain anyway, but I realize that some people may actually read this, and be bored with it. But at least you get a taste of what's been going on inside my head. That's always intriguing and interesting to me. Hopefully I'll start blogging more. It helps me, and it's fun =]]
Be true to yourself!
A
