Extra, Extra read all about it! --> my life lately

I thought I knew what I was going to write about tonight, but now I kinda forgot. So we'll see where this leads.

I'm having a nice AYLA night. mostly to myself. Catching up on two of my forgotten favorite shows Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice, getting emotional on and off, and thinking about my life. As always. Now listening to music is getting me into this blogging funk (used in a positive way =]]) Love love LOVE my WakeyWakey! Pandora Station. Can't get enough of it. I want an iTouch so I can listen to it ALL THE TIME. Even at school! :O It gets my creative juices flowing, which detracts from my schoolwork, so maybe it's a good thing I can't listen to it at school.

I had my fourth day of work at Holiday Inn today. It was my first solo housekeeping day. Got 8 rooms assigned to me, and it took me about 6 and a half hours. Maybe 6 including lunch break. First solo day, and I felt awful afterwards. I set my "bar" really high, so I was disappointed in myself most of the day, causing a headache almost all day, dehydration, and stress on an unbearable level. This is another instance in my life where thinking gets me into trouble. BUT, I'm hoping that upon further contemplation, I realize that I did a good job today, considering it was my first solo day. I'll get back to you on that in a few days. I'm excited to have a job, and to be getting paychecks (even though they're small, only working weekends right now). I feel like my life has a purpose, as if it didn't before, you say? Well, I think I was missing out on a big part of living and existing, even though working blows. I feel a renewed sense of self-worth, not that I didn't value myself before, but still. AND, the physical labor of this job is only getting started, I know, but holy sh**! I am working myself physically, and obviously mentally as well, to my maximum. It's crazy.

Anyway, that's an update on my life that most people don't get to hear. I don't like advertising my new job, A. because it's new. and B. because everyone who knows me will be shocked, and I can't handle that kind of negative energy right now. Not yet. But to all you who care to know, work is work. I liked it up until today, but we'll see how the rest of the summer/year goes!

Now onto bigger and better things. I registered for classes last week! =DDD I'm taking Intro to German Literary Studies, which I'm SO excited about! And beginning Russian which I'm probably the most excited about. And a few other classes, but none as exciting as those! I can't wait for next fall, living in our new apartment, riding the bus to school everyday (I'm sure I'll hate it at that point), attending new classes, getting ready to graduate, and possibly taking the GRE! And applying (possibly) to grad school. Woo! I can't decide what I want to go to more schooling for. Writing, even though I have no "real" experience with that, or English Masters or Doctorate. I'll have to figure that out this summer. Anywho, should pack up my stuff for school and go to bed.

Nighty night!
A
("A" really is everywhere! ;) )

the road to acceptance

Sometimes I think that I'm a "writer" in the sense that I dream and daydream and imagine impossible things and want things out of life that aren't really possible. It makes sense in my head, but not enought to describe it here. Maybe it'll make more sense as I type. I was just thinking about my life lately, my day-to-day life (Alltagsleben in German, which makes more sense to me lol). There is never a moment when I am completely at ease, when I  don't have any worries at all whatsoever: no papers due in a few weeks, no chapters needing to be read, no work to think about, no life issues to think about, no shopping needed, etc etc. I am always thinking about the next thing I have to do. So maybe this is my fault for thinking too much, but I haven't had a completely peaceful, do nothing day in I don't know how long.

I want to spend a day lying around, cuddling with Mike while he plays video/computer games, me reading like I SO want to do, or even writing. I want to sit and not worry or think about the next few hours or days or months or years. I want to just BE. Simply being is the most beautiful thing in the world; some would call that laziness, but I think it's quite the opposite. It's being able to stop your mind from thinking of things you can't control, for even just a minute, and realizing all the things you have and appreciate the life you've been living. It takes hard work to be able to go from lifelong thinker to one day BE-er.

I want to be able to do that. I want to be ahead on my homework, or have enough time to think about and write all my papers in one day. There are not enough hours in the day to do all the things I want to do. I'm reminded of my dad when I think about that. He says/thinks that quite frequently, and he's a middle-aged man! How can I have 20+ more years of thinking that? How can I ever accept how much time I have, and do with it what I need to, and go to sleep happy and proud of all I accomplished that day? How can I give myself the break I need to go on with the rest of my life? How can I have time for a break at all when there's so much I want to accomplish in my life?

I want to be a writer, but I never have time to write. I want to read hundreds and probably thousands of books, but how is there going to be enough time in my life to read all the books I want to? What if I don't read them all? How will I feel on my death bed when I realize I still haven't read The Hunger Games series? How in the hell will I be able to accept the things I cannot do in life? And when will I realize that I really can do anything if I just make time for it? And how will I make time for the things I need to accomplish? It's a never-ending circle of "How"s and "When"s. I need to start writing, like seriously writing if I want to publish or try to publish anything in my lifetime, but all I ever feel like writing is thoughts about my life. Which is ok, I'd like to write based on my life, but it's hard. I suppose starting with this blog and a journal is the way to go. Figure out the rest later, but how much later? How long can I afford to wait? It kills me to think that I don't have an endless amount of time on this earth, not because I don't want to die, but because there's so much I want to do, and so little time to prepare myself for those things, and then go out and do them.

Maybe I have to stop mentally preparing for things. Maybe that's my ultimate problem in life: thinking, preparing, ruminating. But these are also my greatest strengths, the reasons I feel like I have the mind of a writer and a thinker. How do I find the happy medium necessary to go on with my life and be satisfied with it? That is the question. To be a thinker, or not to be, as Hamlet once soliloquied, or close enough at least.

These are the kinds of things I thought about in the last couple hours. I apologize if you could care less about the ideas in this post, but again, I want to evoke thoughts from other people, in addition to cataloging my own thoughts about life, and evoking more thoughts in the future (for my book someday!)

Have a good night!
Poka (Russian for "Bye")