Dealing with the shittier facts of life

Do you ever just get so bogged down with things you cannot change, that you feel like giving up? Does it ever depress you so much, it makes you want to cry or scream?

I tutor students K-3 in Reading, and I can honestly answer "Yes" to both questions I posed above.

Sometimes, I feel so helpless. I can only do so much for these kids, and that's that. I can't even help all of them. There's not enough time in the world to help every single kid become a successful reader. Especially when they have learning disabilities, behavioral disorders, or home life interfering with their learning.

It just sucks knowing there isn't anything I can do about it. Just like there's nothing I can do about the fact that my mother can go 6 months without talking to her daughters and think it's ok. Or the fact that she sent us cards in the mail telling us she wouldn't talk to us for that long. Or the fact that she will never be the mother I need her to be, and she'll never own up to her past transgressions, because she may or may not realize she did anything wrong.

She has no idea or won't admit she has a mental illness. She will not ever gain my trust back fully, and I will continue to retrace our conversations afterwards to make sure I didn't divulge too much personal information while talking to her.

The only thing I can do in both of these situations is live in the now, appreciate the good times, no matter how small, and try not to get so bogged down with the shitty and emotionally draining facts of my life.

Easier said than done.

The Force does exist!

Sometimes I wonder why certain people come into our lives. There are so many people who used to be important in my life who have ceased to be. I console myself with the thought that everyone comes into my life for a reason, and that doesn't necessarily mean they will stay there forever. I made a certain friend or friends in whatever grade to help me at that particular point in my life. For example, I made an awesome friend during my senior year at UMD. He was exactly what I needed to keep me excited about German, about music, and just life in general at the time. I still miss him when I think about him, but we've clearly moved on with our separate lives and I will someday accept that. Until then, I will continue to be grateful for his existence, just like I continue to be grateful for the existence of all the other once-important people from my life.

And then there are the somewhat new people, much like my senior year friend, who suddenly find a place in my life, and I find myself wondering, "Why did I let them into my life? What made them special, or important, or meaningful to me that I just let them in without question?" That's not to say those people aren't special, important, or meaningful to me. It's just that I didn't realize they were until they were already in my life. And now I'm questioning how I let myself accept them into my world without even realizing it. And then I think, "I'm more brilliant than I thought." I keep myself pretty closed off from people, keeping most, if not all, new people at a safe distance, oftentimes without even realizing that I'm doing it. But then there are the few people who sneak their way through my walls and all of a sudden I have another important person in my life.

It's amazing that I subconsciously let myself open up to certain people without even noticing I'm doing it, because I subconsciously realize how great these people are, and how much I want or need them in my life. My brain, my heart, my something makes this decision for me to let these people in. How cool is that?

Let's go back to the people who have stayed important throughout most of my life. I am finally realizing just how much I need them to survive. The family and friends that I choose to love and accept and see the real me-- they're some of the reasons I get out of bed in the morning. And it took me almost to my 23rd birthday to realize that. The plus side is, I'm not in my 90s ;) I have plenty of life to live with them and away from them, to appreciate and spend time with them, to laugh and cry with them. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

Whether there's a God up there, a goddess, a spirit, or some other force of life subtly guiding me through my life, it's moments like these that I can almost feel a force connecting me with the people I care about. And it's moments like these that I can almost believe in The Force, or something close to it. Maybe George Lucas had this all figured out years ago! I think I'll highlight his name on my "People I'd Like to Meet" list now...

read, write, live.

A piece of my universe puzzle

Some people enjoy having more than one place to call home. They like having two places to chill or keep their stuff or sleep. Makes me realize why I feel the way I do when I think about having my stuff divided between places. And why I dislike staying at peoples houses for long periods of time. It makes me cringe just remembering having my life in 2 or more different places. I'm so grateful to be in one place now and that I realize how good I have it. And I'm thankful for all the people who gave me a place to keep part of my life in. I may not have appreciated it then, but I sure as hell do now.

I'm not saying my life sucked or anything, although teenage Ayla definitely thought so at times. I've just figured a tiny piece of myself out! It triggers some crazy stress hormones when I remember having my stuff all over the place and when I imagine it happening again for any number of reasons. I'm so glad I have all my stuff in one place, even if our apartment is a little cramped.

It's all about perspective. One person's heaven is another's hell. I'm fascinated by instances such as these, when I discover something apparently so crucial to my being that I didn't even have the eyes to see it for myself-- I had to discover it. Listen to me, I sound like I'm discovering a new land or a planet or something. But that's kind of what it feels like. Its one more piece of my own personal universe puzzle. How cool is that?

Read, write, live.

Saturdays

I love Saturdays. I finally have them to myself after a year and a half of working almost every weekend. I now realize just how much I was missing out on. Especially this particular Saturday. It's peaceful; a cool September breeze coming in through the window, a mug of perfectly brewed pumpkin spice Keurig machine coffee resting on the window sill. An afternoon to muse, to write, to think.

I try to appreciate moments like these, when I realize I have all the time in the world to ponder the meanings of life and think about all the reasons I have to be happy-- at this moment. I am the perfect combination of chilly and warm. My hands are cold, but they keep moving because of my incessant typing. My newly purchased-with-birthday-money cardigan is keeping me the perfect temperature. I had a wonderful birthday full of friends, laughter, and happiness. With it came gifts and new things for me to add to my already overstuffed closet and apartment. And with that comes trepidation: did I make the right decision? Should I have waited to purchase things I may need in the future? I figure, it's my birthday, why not make myself the happiest I can be with the gifts I received from others?

Shopping is a nasty habit of mine, one which I continue to struggle with. Although this time around, it's perfectly legit; what, with the gift cards I received and all the meaningful things I purchased for myself and our apartment. Next step: make a monthly budget and stick to it!

It's not often I find myself alone in our apartment. Any other day this week and I would have dreaded it. But not this day. Not this beautiful fall Saturday. I am perfectly at peace with myself and my thoughts and my computer to keep them on.

I think I write in this blog for my own sanity more than anything else. Where others may have monthly or even weekly therapist visits, I have blogging sessions every 2-4 months. Maybe a therapist would help me more, but I like blogging to myself. Even if it means I post it for all to see. You see, I'm well aware that I don't open up to people very well, and if even one of the important people in my life reads this post, it will have been worth it-- for me, and for them.

I just want to take a tape recorder to my mind on days like these. I haven't yet found the most productive way to record all the important thoughts circling my brain. I think that's what writers truly are. They're the people in the world who find a way to record the parts of their thoughts that mean something to themselves and possibly to others, and document them forever. I can only hope to have that kind of an impact on myself, let alone on others. But I do fancy myself a writer, even if I don't write as often as a writer probably "should."

On that note, I'd like to cut myself off there.

Happy Autumn!

Live in the now

I should be in bed, but I REALLY felt like blogging for some reason! Isn't that always how it goes? I haven't written anything in awhile, and I have a bit more spare time to think and ponder life, so blogging seems the best way to do so.

I graduated from college on May 18th. It was one of those surreal days where I was so happy/nervous/excited/anxious that I barely remember anything that happened-- except that the announcer pronounced my name wrong. And that I was SOOO happy to see my family in the audience and before and after the ceremony. It meant the world to me to be able to spend quality time with them. I literally cannot describe the immense feeling of joy I had being with them last weekend. I can still feel what's left of that feeling, and I never want it to go away.

Right now, however, I seem to be in a bit of a funk. I was so excited to be able to pause my life for awhile, and just coast through the next chunk of my life, enjoying it; but I just feel like my life is going nowhere. I always thought I wouldn't have to work so hard to do something meaningful in life, but I was wrong. I have to work my ass off to do what I want to do, and that's only after I figure out what it is I want to do. So instead of enjoying this bit of freedom (although, I have watched a lot of Vampire Diaries while packing my stuff this week), I'm constantly realizing how little I have going for me right now. At least at the moment. I still work as a housekeeper, I'm still broke, I'm moving into a tiny apartment next weekend, I have no amazing job prospects, and I have yet to plan my epic wedding.

I'm reading this book (actually, I've been reading it on and off for months), called The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. And I know it sounds weird, believe me, I thought so too, but my uncle suggested I read it, and I'm starting to realize why. A lot of it can be preachy, but there is an amazing lesson hidden behind it. I need to focus on the NOW. I need to relish in the little things, stop remembering the past and fretting about the future. My life is happening right now, and I'm missing it every second I dwell on memories or plans. I'm not saying it'll be easy, because God knows I love remembering everything I ever did/heard/said, and I love planning for my wonderful future even more, but I need to start realizing that my life began a long time ago, and I need to be careful that it doesn't pass me by. I have a roof over my head, food in the pantry (albeit mostly cereal and granola bars), a family who loves me, friends who care about me, two college degrees, and a fiance who supports me more than I'll probably ever realize. My life is "perfect" by most people's standards, and it's time that I wake up and smell the coffee, and live in the present.

So this is my funk. I'm waiting for the next big thing to happen to me, while ignoring what's going on around me. I miss my fiance and my family and my friends all the time, because I'm focusing on what used to be, or what I'm missing out on when I'm not with them. I'm going through another stage in my life when I wish I could have everyone I care about uprooted and living here with me, the whole town just picked up and set down in the middle of Duluth (or at least very nearby). I know that sounds crazy, believe me, I know, but it's how I feel.

I don't need anymore big things to happen to me, I've had enough for one year. So now I'm left with the aftermath of said big things, dealing with what to do next. And hoping I can be satisfied with my life, just coasting along, enjoying it for a change, and living in the now. Otherwise what's the point of all the in-between stuff?

BIG life changes!

First of all, let me just say, Holy cow! It's been a long time since I've posted anything! It's been a crazy last couple months. I'd like to start with my Germany trip, and work my way up to the grand finale of news! =D

So, I leave for Germany next Wednesday, I think. My days are all mixed up. The 26th though, and I am finally getting nervous! I can't wait to experience what Germany has to offer, after 8 years of learning about it, I know that it's a lot. I think I'm most nervous about flying by myself, getting through security, getting my ticket, etc. I haven't flown in maybe 4 years? And I just feel like a newb. Especially flying to NJ, then to Germany. But it will be an adventure and I can't wait to start it! I'd like to think I'll be blogging while I'm there for all you guys back home, but that probably won't happen, so don't get your hopes up ;)

Speaking of learning German, my German class put on a play a couple weekends ago! It was such a great experience, inspite of all the time and effort I put into rehearsals, and the stress it caused me. I'm so glad Gesa made us do it, and I really bonded with my German class! And it changed me, I think. I feel way more confident about myself (Not that I was lacking in that department. Do you know how big my ego is?!) And for those of you who don't know, I like to keep my friends close, so they're few and far between, but I became friends with Cameron from my class, and he's great! I'm proud of myself for making a good friend during my senior year of college... haha.

Which leads to my next order of business: Graduation! I graduate in May of next year! Holy cow, how did that happen?! Anyways, that's all I really have to say about that. I don't know when it is, probably May 18th or something? I haven't gotten any information about it yet, but woohoo! On to bigger and better things!

And by bigger and better things, I mean life! Particularly my wedding! =D Mike proposed on Tuesday night, I said yes, we both have rings, we're all set! Except don't ask us when the wedding will be. We have no clue, so if you haven't already asked, don't. I promise you'll all know when we do! Just know that it'll be epic, awesome, and beautiful. And probably the most bomb wedding you've ever been to ;) And that's my ego talking... ;) Anyways, I am so incredibly happy! Not only because I finally have my dream ring on my finger, but because Mike and I are finally on our way to actually getting married, and EVERYONE knows it now =D We've been talking about this for awhile, and it's finally becoming a reality. I get to spend the rest of my life with the most amazing man I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. And I no longer have a boyfriend, nor will I ever have one again! I have a fiance! =D Which is so weird to say.

Well, that's about all for now. I could go on and on about Mike and his wonderful-ness, but I'll spare you. For now ;)

Ayla

My soap box of life

"The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them.

But why should you keep your head over your shoulder? Why drag about this corpse of your memory, lest you contradict somewhat you have stated in this or that public place? Supposed you should contradict yourself; what then? ...

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds... With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day.---'Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.'---Is it so bad then to be misunderstood? ... To be great is to be misunderstood."

Ralph Waldo Emerson- from "Part II. Self-Reliance" from Nature

In Summary: Change your mind! Then change your mind again! Don't be the same person you were yesterday; if you're sick of something, CHANGE yourself! Make yourself into the person you want to be! Don't say/think "I can't help it, it's who i am." DO something about it. change whatever it is you don't like.

Change your opinion; who cares if you confuse people! Be who you are, TODAY. Not who you thought you were yesterday, or who you think you've been your whole life. People would be SO boring and predictable if they didn't change their minds. Yes, it may be easy or expected for you to have the same views forever and ever (anyone else need to say "Amen" after that?). But you're not reaching your full potential if you stay the same!

Emerson writes "With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do." And he is right! Why should we bother even living our lives if we stay the same, never growing or changing or broadening our minds?
What, then, is the point of living? (I am NOT suggesting we all go kill ourselves). We are ever-changing beings; we need to change to survive.

I'll get off my soap box of life now =]] This is one of my favorite literary quotes EVER. I love everything about it, and I try to live by this every day. It's hard, and almost never happens, but I try to think about it.

Viel Glück! (That's "good luck" in German for those of you who don't know немецкий язик (and that's "German Language" in Russian =]]))

our own kind of sisterhood

Together we could take on the world. There was nothing we couldn't do. That's how we felt that summer. The summer before our lives changed completely. At the risk of sounding like a Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants novel, it's true. I don't think any of us could have guessed where we'd be in 4 years: Anna studying to be a teacher and soon to be married, Mary got a degree in culinary arts and is married with 3 stepchildren, Jackie studying Interior Design at ISU and interning at Shelter last summer, and me, Ayla, studying German Studies and English and interning at New Moon Girls, patiently awaiting my own engagement and subsequent wedding. It is so fascinating and amazing to see how far we've all come since that summer. We're not the graduated high school seniors we once were; we've grown, we've changed, we've learned, and we've aged. We've stuck together, but moved apart. There's STILL nothing we can't do, especially when we have each other.

I'd like to take this moment, this night, to thank my friends, the ones mentioned here and all the others, for all they've done to keep me sane throughout my life. I really wouldn't be who I am today, where I am today, without you all. You've all helped change me--we've all changed each other. We've grown up together and helped each other through everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. I can only hope that our lives won't take us farther and farther apart. Because I need you. And couldn't live without you.

Peace, love, and all things friendly,
Ay

memories and musings.

For someone who strives to remember everything, it sure is hard to hold onto some memories. Especially the ones I shouldn't want to remember. The man who sat next to me on the bus today smelled like booze. Maybe it was just my imagination, but whatever the reason for the smell, it was familiar to me. As I stared out the window I "ran" the smell through my mind trying to find the correct location for its familiarity. Then it hit me. The memory came back completely in that moment. It's still with me now.

The smell reminded me of a time when I was young, a little bit lonely, and a little too willing to be someone else for a night. The reason I want to remember is so that I can remind myself of where I was, and where I am now. Of a time when I was sad and needed something I thought I couldn't get anywhere else: comfort. That smell brought me back to that time and place and specific moments that weren't my proudest. I remember exactly what his lips felt like. What his breath smelled like (which was probably what mine smelled like, too). I wanted him to put his arm around me, to hold me close and not let go for the night. I wanted to be someone else, someone who did whatever she wanted, with whoever she wanted.

I want to keep these kinds of memories among the good ones, because I'm afraid I'll forget what that felt like, and end up back in that place again. But more than that, I want to remember exactly how I've gotten to where I am today. What made me this person? Why don't I do those kinds of things? I need to remember in order to continue being who I am. If I ever falter, I can look back on my life and remember the ways I've already tried to cope, and hopefully not repeat them.

Memories are meant to remind us. Of good things and bad, of frightening and comforting things. We are meant to remember, not only to tell others about the ways of the world, but to remind ourselves what we've already tried and failed or succeeded at. We must constantly remind ourselves of our accomplishments so that we never forget what we've achieved, and what we're capable of, so that we will always strive to do amazing things. We must also remember our failures, and times when we've strayed, in order to prevent the same things from happening again. This is the only way we can grow and change for the better.

New Moon Girls internship!

I want to share with you all (y'all) a bit about my internship. For those of you who are wondering (as I was in my last post!). My "title" is Multi-Media Intern. I work on the marketing aspects of the magazine/online community. I post from NMG's Google+ page to organizations about upcoming events on NewMoon.com, I write the weekly Girls Enewsletter (my first one goes out this week!), I also update the Enews emails lists when needed, I post on NMG's Google+ page about upcoming events from our affiliates, and I also moderate the website (4 hours/week checking and approving EVERYTHING the girls post on the site).

Today I had a mini freak out moment when I realized, again, how exciting and awesome it is that girls all over the world are going to read MY enews this week! I am so excited to be able to reach all those girls, even if it is only a weekly update on what's going on at NMG. My enews impacts thousands of girls worldwide; how cool is that?!

Also, I'm finally getting the hang of things around NMG. It's completely online, which is great for my schedule, but hard for me to keep up with. I have to constantly push myself to check/remember what I need to do and when I need to do it. It's a challenge for me so far, but I'm keeping up with it and learning along the way. I can already tell that this internship is changing me for the better. I can't wait to re-evaluate myself after the semester's over!

So, at the risk of sounding like Miss Marketing of NMG, check out the site, register as a parent or girl ages 8-15 or even a gift-giver, and get involved! I hope you enjoy it!


Ayla R. Otto, Multi-Media Intern

 

   

Luna's Blog 

Nancy's Blog 

Email: aylanewmoon@gmail.com

an EXCITING update on my life (seriously)

So, holy cow it's been a long time since I blogged! Sorry for any of you looking for updates =]] But since school starts next week, I've been forced to think about my plans for the school year, and decided to update anyone who wants to know.

First of all, I'll be a senior this year! My last year of college, I'll graduate with 2 degrees: a B.A. in German Studies and a B.A. in English-Liberal Arts. I'm not sure what I will do with either of these degrees, but I'd love to work at Hallmark, study abroad/work abroad, and/or go to grad school for English or Creative Writing. A lot to think about, but I have time. I'm only 20 after all.

Which leads to my next life event: my 21st birthday! I'll FINALLY be 21 on September 10th. It's a Monday night, and a school night, so I'm not sure what I'll be doing, but Trista, Jason, and Nova will be up here for part of that weekend, as will Mike's parents. It will be a good weekend seeing people I miss from home =]] I'm excited to finally be "old" lol.

Speaking of feeling old, Jenna moved into her dorm on Sunday! Holy crap! I'm so excited for her, but I also feel kinda old.... Haha. She's going to do so many big things. I can just feel it. She's so dedicated to her music and school, she'll go far. ("You're gonna go far kid")

Anyway, back to me ;) I got an internship! I'll be working for school credit for New Moon Girls, an online magazine for girls ages 8-15. I'm not sure exactly what I'll be doing, but it could be anything from editing to marketing to writing blog posts for the website. I hope I'll get to do lots of writing. It'll be at least 10 hours a week, and I get to work from home! Which is super convenient for me this semester since I'll have school AND my job at Holiday Inn.

I'll be working 2-3 days a week at the hotel, hopefully only 2 days. If it gets too busy I'll drop it down to 2 days. Anyway, work has been going well. I work 5 days a week, although the last month and a half I've been getting faster at cleaning my rooms and therefore getting done with work early. Which significantly affects my paychecks. But at least I get more freetime =]]

In my freetime I've been hanging out with Mike, my roommates occasionally, reading (I've read all three Hunger Games books and then some), and yesterday crafty projects! I made a case for my Kindle out of an old book (which kind of failed, but it'll be useful anyway). I've been working on "decorating" a Crown Royal bottle with the drippings of candles (2 candles dripped so far, super cool). I also hung pictures of shoes on a portion of my wall (Kelly gave me a page-a-day calendar last year of shoes). It's pretty sweet.

Now onto bigger and better things :) I'll FINALLY be going to Germany this year! Yes, I know, it's a miracle. I've been studying German for 7 years and am finally going to go there. I haven't been accepted into the program yet, but I'm pretty sure I'll be a shoe-in =]] It's over winter break starting December 26 and going until January 13. It's a hardcore program with a ton of learning involved. It's worth 4 credits (which leaves me with 1 extra German credit for my major), just barely making enough credits for graduation =]] We stay in a big house, there's 15 of us. We go to tons of museums and historical places. We do a bunch of projects and presentations, ALL in Deutschland! I'm actually really nervous/freaking out about the whole thing, but I can't WAIT to be in Germany! Speaking German with other germans! =D

So, that's my update. Feel like I'm forgetting something, but I can always blog again soon =]]
Tschussi! (cutesy Ayla-esque way of saying goodbye in German =]])

vegetative state, monotony, routine, and all those exciting things.

I should be in bed right now, considering I have to be up at 7:30 to get ready for work, but I feel like I need to write instead. This is my second week living in Duluth, completely on my own, working almost everyday, seeing Mike almost never, and my roommates even less than that. I thought I would be THRILLED to move up here, finally live in Duluth, be on my own all summer, working to pay rent, etc. I am far from it. I feel like my life is completely monotonous. I do the same thing almost all the time, and even when I have a plan with Mike or to clean, etc., I still know that I'll be working 9-5 the next day, and the next day, and almost everyday all summer long. I am one for routine, but apparently not for summertime. I feel like my life has no purpose right now. I don't know how to describe it, but I'm going to try, for my sake =]]

I get up in the morning, take the bus to work, get my room cleaning assignments, hopefully finish them in time but sometimes having to stay late, take the bus home, shower, eat something (often not anything that I have to cook because I'm too tired and unmotivated), vege out until 10 or 10:30 when I make myself go to bed. I am REALLY living the life up here. I'm trying to change my outlook on things, make myself not focus on work, so that when I have time off or to myself, I don't have to think about going to work the next day; just live in the moment. That is something I've struggled with most of my life, and it's not getting any easier the more monotonous my life gets.

It's so strange that I'm in this funk. I never thought I'd need time to adjust to the "ease" of living up here and working. That should be simple. All I do is work, read, sleep, eat, and occasionally hang with the roomies or the bf. Nothing to worry about but that. On the contrary, I am completely unsatisfied with myself, except for the fact that I'm making money. But my own personal "Ayla-ness" and my inner persona is not shining at all. I can't decide if I just have to accept that and move on, or if there's some way I can make that work within my monotony.

Tonight is an especially awful feeling night. I had a wonderful day off with Mike, got home around 8:45 or 9 ish, then all I had was a couple hours before bed and work and the rest of my routine starts again. I want more time off to contemplate life and think about things that I need to. I want more time to read and write and blog, as the case may be. I was able to watch the first episode of Pretty Little Liars tonight, which was GREAT. I'm addicted all over again. And I am SO thankful I'm blogging, but tomorrow I'll feel the same way again.

I'm hoping this is just one of those moments in my life when I just need time to adjust to my new life. I seem to have a lot of those (I'm sure everyone does). I know that in the past I have been exceptionally great at adjusting, but maybe that was just a front I put on for my friends, family, teachers, etc. Here and now, when I'm alone most of the time (which I really don't mind, by the way), all I can think about is how lame and boring my life is. About half the time I'm ok with that, the other half of the time I'm kicking myself for being a homebody, for this job that's the same hours everyday, for this townhome that isn't amazing. All I can think about is how it's been almost two weeks here and I'm still not settled in, both mentally and physically. Some of my stuff is still in boxes because I have no time and never want to unpack. My mind on the other hand has already unpacked itself, leaving me to deal with all the shit that goes on up there in my head all on my own. It's really frustrating.

I just want school to start again, I want to be able to see my roommates, my boyfriend, and my best friends all the time. I want to be able to go see a movie when I want to. I want to play mini golf (or putt putt as Mike calls it) and go to the beach. I want to sit on my ass and do nothing for more than just a few hours at night. I want to stop feeling tired all the time. I realize that most of this stuff is a lesson in mind over matter for me. I just need to think positive. I've been doing that, for the most part. I'm a pretty positive person, except when I'm alone in my room thinking about all the things I want to do with my summer, and all the things I probably won't get to do.

And now I must apologize at least a little for this post. I enjoy my own posts, they're mainly for my own personal gain anyway, but I realize that some people may actually read this, and be bored with it. But at least you get a taste of what's been going on inside my head. That's always intriguing and interesting to me. Hopefully I'll start blogging more. It helps me, and it's fun =]]

Be true to yourself!
A

Extra, Extra read all about it! --> my life lately

I thought I knew what I was going to write about tonight, but now I kinda forgot. So we'll see where this leads.

I'm having a nice AYLA night. mostly to myself. Catching up on two of my forgotten favorite shows Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice, getting emotional on and off, and thinking about my life. As always. Now listening to music is getting me into this blogging funk (used in a positive way =]]) Love love LOVE my WakeyWakey! Pandora Station. Can't get enough of it. I want an iTouch so I can listen to it ALL THE TIME. Even at school! :O It gets my creative juices flowing, which detracts from my schoolwork, so maybe it's a good thing I can't listen to it at school.

I had my fourth day of work at Holiday Inn today. It was my first solo housekeeping day. Got 8 rooms assigned to me, and it took me about 6 and a half hours. Maybe 6 including lunch break. First solo day, and I felt awful afterwards. I set my "bar" really high, so I was disappointed in myself most of the day, causing a headache almost all day, dehydration, and stress on an unbearable level. This is another instance in my life where thinking gets me into trouble. BUT, I'm hoping that upon further contemplation, I realize that I did a good job today, considering it was my first solo day. I'll get back to you on that in a few days. I'm excited to have a job, and to be getting paychecks (even though they're small, only working weekends right now). I feel like my life has a purpose, as if it didn't before, you say? Well, I think I was missing out on a big part of living and existing, even though working blows. I feel a renewed sense of self-worth, not that I didn't value myself before, but still. AND, the physical labor of this job is only getting started, I know, but holy sh**! I am working myself physically, and obviously mentally as well, to my maximum. It's crazy.

Anyway, that's an update on my life that most people don't get to hear. I don't like advertising my new job, A. because it's new. and B. because everyone who knows me will be shocked, and I can't handle that kind of negative energy right now. Not yet. But to all you who care to know, work is work. I liked it up until today, but we'll see how the rest of the summer/year goes!

Now onto bigger and better things. I registered for classes last week! =DDD I'm taking Intro to German Literary Studies, which I'm SO excited about! And beginning Russian which I'm probably the most excited about. And a few other classes, but none as exciting as those! I can't wait for next fall, living in our new apartment, riding the bus to school everyday (I'm sure I'll hate it at that point), attending new classes, getting ready to graduate, and possibly taking the GRE! And applying (possibly) to grad school. Woo! I can't decide what I want to go to more schooling for. Writing, even though I have no "real" experience with that, or English Masters or Doctorate. I'll have to figure that out this summer. Anywho, should pack up my stuff for school and go to bed.

Nighty night!
A
("A" really is everywhere! ;) )

the road to acceptance

Sometimes I think that I'm a "writer" in the sense that I dream and daydream and imagine impossible things and want things out of life that aren't really possible. It makes sense in my head, but not enought to describe it here. Maybe it'll make more sense as I type. I was just thinking about my life lately, my day-to-day life (Alltagsleben in German, which makes more sense to me lol). There is never a moment when I am completely at ease, when I  don't have any worries at all whatsoever: no papers due in a few weeks, no chapters needing to be read, no work to think about, no life issues to think about, no shopping needed, etc etc. I am always thinking about the next thing I have to do. So maybe this is my fault for thinking too much, but I haven't had a completely peaceful, do nothing day in I don't know how long.

I want to spend a day lying around, cuddling with Mike while he plays video/computer games, me reading like I SO want to do, or even writing. I want to sit and not worry or think about the next few hours or days or months or years. I want to just BE. Simply being is the most beautiful thing in the world; some would call that laziness, but I think it's quite the opposite. It's being able to stop your mind from thinking of things you can't control, for even just a minute, and realizing all the things you have and appreciate the life you've been living. It takes hard work to be able to go from lifelong thinker to one day BE-er.

I want to be able to do that. I want to be ahead on my homework, or have enough time to think about and write all my papers in one day. There are not enough hours in the day to do all the things I want to do. I'm reminded of my dad when I think about that. He says/thinks that quite frequently, and he's a middle-aged man! How can I have 20+ more years of thinking that? How can I ever accept how much time I have, and do with it what I need to, and go to sleep happy and proud of all I accomplished that day? How can I give myself the break I need to go on with the rest of my life? How can I have time for a break at all when there's so much I want to accomplish in my life?

I want to be a writer, but I never have time to write. I want to read hundreds and probably thousands of books, but how is there going to be enough time in my life to read all the books I want to? What if I don't read them all? How will I feel on my death bed when I realize I still haven't read The Hunger Games series? How in the hell will I be able to accept the things I cannot do in life? And when will I realize that I really can do anything if I just make time for it? And how will I make time for the things I need to accomplish? It's a never-ending circle of "How"s and "When"s. I need to start writing, like seriously writing if I want to publish or try to publish anything in my lifetime, but all I ever feel like writing is thoughts about my life. Which is ok, I'd like to write based on my life, but it's hard. I suppose starting with this blog and a journal is the way to go. Figure out the rest later, but how much later? How long can I afford to wait? It kills me to think that I don't have an endless amount of time on this earth, not because I don't want to die, but because there's so much I want to do, and so little time to prepare myself for those things, and then go out and do them.

Maybe I have to stop mentally preparing for things. Maybe that's my ultimate problem in life: thinking, preparing, ruminating. But these are also my greatest strengths, the reasons I feel like I have the mind of a writer and a thinker. How do I find the happy medium necessary to go on with my life and be satisfied with it? That is the question. To be a thinker, or not to be, as Hamlet once soliloquied, or close enough at least.

These are the kinds of things I thought about in the last couple hours. I apologize if you could care less about the ideas in this post, but again, I want to evoke thoughts from other people, in addition to cataloging my own thoughts about life, and evoking more thoughts in the future (for my book someday!)

Have a good night!
Poka (Russian for "Bye")

Ever changing, ever writing

Do you ever realize that you're changing? I mean, obviously we're all constantly changing, every second of every day, but do you ever realize it? In the last few days, I've noticed I'm changing, or that I have changed. I spent a lot of my spring break with Mike, and we had a nice, relaxing, lazy week together. Boring, I know, but this week I've been thinking, that we have changed a lot. And by "we" I mean me, because I can't speak for Mike (even though I try to sometimes...). Thinking back on all my past relationships, short as they may have been, I can see the change in myself. Especially with Mike. I've been dating him for over 4 and a half years now, and I've changed SO much during that time. It hit me, yesterday or the day before I think, that I'm growing into a different kind of relationship with Mike, at least on my end of things. I've loved him for a long time, but I really and truly see that now. I would do anything for him, which, if you know anything about me, is saying quite a bit, me being the semi-selfish person that I am. I want him in my life from now until forever, etc. etc.

I won't bore you with too much more of this, but my point is I am aware of that change. It probably happened over the last few years, but over the last week it has manifested itself so completely that I noticed it happening. We have been really great around each other, not so much bickering, which, for us, is part of our daily routine; plenty of laughing and joking around, with neither of us being offended; and I have even been pretty darn witty lately, which is awesome for Mike and I because he's constantly cracking jokes or being witty and I had plenty of nice comebacks =]], AND I have been able to predict almost every single one of his punch lines and comebacks. None of that may make any sense to anyone else, but it all helped me realize that I'm changing, like I've said probably about ten times already in this short post.

It is so interesting to me that I am witnessing my own change! Normally, I hate change and avoid it at almost all costs, but this kind of change is definitely a good thing. I am growing up, I'm almost done with my Junior year of college, and Mike is graduating in May, which is getting me mentally prepared for my own graduation and my own future (being mentally prepared for any event, big or small, is essential to my existence; I would probably die if I wasn't able to prepare for most things in my head before they happen. And no, I'm not crazy, at least I don't think so, at least not yet). Anyway... this change thing is spectacular for me for so many reasons:
A. I LIKE it.
B. It's a positive thing for my relationship and for the rest of my future.
C. It's bringing me closer to Mike, which isn't necessary, but I think it's going to help us in the long run.
D. It has made me think about things I hadn't thought of before, and things I always think about in new ways.
(I enjoy lists, and I even do this "A, B, C..." thing when I'm speaking to people =]])

Anyway, I guess my posts aren't always geared towards other audiences, but I like to make people think, because I think about things a LOT. And not just trivial things, important things, and things that I think are interesting enough to blog about, or at least interesting enough that I want to write them down, to keep them forever so I can come back to them and remember what I thought when i was 20 years old. I am ever trying to remember everything, which is impossible, I know, but blogging/journaling/talking helps me accomplish my inconceivable goal in life: to remember everything I ever thought, said, and wrote. Hopefully someday I'll write a memoir, that would be amazing. I think my life would make an interesting book, and if not a memoir, at least a novel loosely based on my life. That'll be my best-selling novel. Look for it at your local bookstore in the next 10-60 years.

Happy remembering!
Ayla Rosemarie

Update on life and swing dance 2012!

So.. it has been a LONG time since I last blogged. So here goes nothing. A lot has happened since June: worked at James Gang, Abby got married, started my Junior year at UMD, Mike and I are even closer, family drama, Mary's engaged! Now my roommates and I are hopefully signing a lease on an apartment soon. It's weird how time flies by! At least once I take a step back and look at my life in the last 9 months.

I've realized that things change while staying the same. I am growing up every minute that passes, but I don't feel like I have changed at all. I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately, thanks to Mary, and having children, or puppies, or kittens. Mike's best friend just got a husky puppy. He is the cutest thing I've ever seen, and I want a puppy! Or a baby. Or just to speed up my life a little. Mike's graduating in May, and I still have a year left of school. It's so weird to think that he'll be done with college, and that I'm next! Crazy! And my sister's graduating high school in June. My life has kind of passed me by, so I've been trying to take more minutes everyday to appreciate my life so far. People don't appreciate what they have as often as they should, and I am no exception. Maybe that's my Lenten Goal, to appreciate what I have in my life. I'm working on it. Starting with my family, because they don't get enough credit for what they've done and what they continue to do.

I suppose I should end this post with something fun and exciting! Mike and I have been taking ballroom dancing at school, it's not what either of us thought it would be, but it's been helping us learn how to work through difficult challenges, if nothing else. And we have the opportunity to go to our hometown's annual swing dance next week, to show off our "mad" lindy skills. I'm really excited about it, and I think it'll be fun for us!

Just dance! <3

A Dedication.

Sometimes I feel like a completely different person than I used to be. I know that's probably true on some levels, but not all of them. I used to want to be a writer. A famous writer, or at least semi-known writer. I would LOVE to write a best-seller. I still want to be a writer, but I haven't written anything in a long time. I'm hoping to try treating my blog as a journal to get my thoughts going. I also used to want to be a teacher. I'm still going back and forth about that, but I will stick with an English degree for the time being. And I'm not sure about German anymore. I think I go back and forth about German a lot, but we'll see what happens in the fall.

Right now, at this moment in time, I want to write something small for a living. I don't know what, but little things, like instruction manuals, or summaries on the back of books! I want to work for Hallmark coming up with new and creative ideas for greeting cards. I want the Hallmark summer internship next summer. I want them to think that I'm good enough to do the internship all next summer in Kansas City. Then I want them to like me even more and hire me after I graduate! I want so many things! I want to be married in the next 3-5 years. I want to have a nice apartment with Mike after I graduate. I want my family to be better than normal.

I used to think my family and my life sucked. Then I met Mike. I know this is sappy, but my life, or at least my outlook on certain aspects of my life, took a turn for the better when I met and started dating him. We've been together almost 4 years and I know that I am a changed woman because of him, or at least that we have helped each other grow into the people we want to be for the rest of our lives. I want to have a family with him, grow old with him, etc. etc. So basically, my life did suck earlier in my life. When I look back on it, I dealt with things much better than most people would have. I went through some tough things, and am still dealing with family issues and issues with myself as a person, and I'm still doing pretty damn alright.

I am very satisfied with my life so far. I have few regrets, although there are always things I wish I would have done or would have said, but none that haunt me or tear me down. There are so many things I want to do with my life, but what happens if I'm unable to do all the things I want to do? What happens when all the things we hope to accomplish in life never happen? Or some of them do, but some of them don't? How do we justify failing in all that we hope to accomplish in our lives? How do we move on once we fail, and even more importantly, how do we come to accept that we missed that opportunity and failed ourselves?

These are some of the big picture, life-long worries I think about on an almost daily basis. Among other more age-appropriate ones such as what do I do when I graduate? What classes will I take next semester? How am I going to survive on my own in an apartment with 3 roommates next year? What will I eat? I have plenty more. But none as important as the first: How do I justify failing in all that I hope to accomplish in my life? That is one of my biggest worries in life. I know that I won't be able to possibly do every single thing that I want to do. For instance, I would LOVE to be on The Voice; contrary to anyone's belief, I can sing, and I can sing WELL. I might even send in an online audition video for next season. Who knows what can happen right? That's another issue I have to deal with. No one knows for sure what will happen in an hour, tomorrow, a week from now, years from now. I can plan all I want, and I can hope, pray, and wish for the things I want and need, but those things may not work out. How do I possibly go on living if I don't get those things?

That may be a spoiled kid talking, but I don't mean physical possessions, although the next cute pair of shoes i see will definitely go on my "want" list. I mean everything in my life. I believe that I can shape my life, even though I can't control it completely. I'm just worried that I won't push myself to my full potential and therefore I won't achieve what I want most in this life and I won't be happy forever. Thankfully, I have my family, friends, and Mike to rely on. They are my anchors in life, the only stable things in anyone's life.

So, even though not many of the most important people in my life will read this, this post goes out to them. Those people who I can talk to about everything under the sun. And especially Mike, who I can talk to about literally anything and he will give me his input, or direct me to someone who can help me. I love you all. Thank you for everything.

Peace, Love, Amen.

Update!

I haven't been on here in a LONG time. I thought I'd update everyone, or no one, on my life right now. My mother is a lost cause. That's about all I can say about her right now. My dad is absolutely amazing, and I'm sorry I ever thought less of him. My sisters are great. My niece Nova Jay is ADORABLE and hopefully coming to love me more as well =]] Here is an adorable pic of her!

Anyway... I'm home for the summer, and by home i mean at Mary's. It's been nice, although I'm already wishing I had my own place. I want my own place. I just need a damn job with which to pay for a place! Maybe next summer =]] 


Mike is wonderful, as always. I'm hoping to visit him twice in July, to make up for none in June and probably none in August. Hoping to get a job SOON, though, so that might change. I am officially going to be a Junior in college next fall and OMG is my college career flying by! Mary and Abby graduated, Mike will graduate next spring, and then me and my friends the spring after that. WOW. Anyway, enough for now. I'll try to keep up with this more this summer with all this time on my hands. 


Off to dinner, and hopefully reading =]]
Tschüβi!

LIFE

My life often seems complicated.  My parents are divorced, my sister does things that people don't approve of, i'm Catholic, I'm in college, I live in Duluth, I have a longtime boyfriend, I don't understand the meaning of family, I have a second family I call my own, I am SO like my dad, etc, etc.  I don't know what else to say, but my life is complicated.  I try to pretend it isn't, but it really is.  Mike is out with all his friends for his 21st birthday and I'm at his house blogging and watching a weird movie about mormons and polygamy.  WITH Logan from Gilmore Girls AND Lexie from Grey's Anatomy.  What could be better?

Well, for starters, my mom could be less, well, "my mom."  I could be finished with all my homework due next week.  I could be 21 and celebrating with my boyfriend.  I could (and should) be in bed.  So many things could be different, but I guess then that wouldn't be me; my life wouldn't be MY life, it'd be someone else's.

We all have our own set lives, and everything we say and do creates our lives.  We get what we get, and we have to live with it.  And so I shall.  Like the sands of the hourglass, so are the days of our lives...

The Scarlet Letter!

I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to be writing about yet, but it's been a week and a day, so I thought I should update everyone again :) Even thought I'm pretty sure no one reads this but me.  It keeps my thoughts in order :)

I could write about the fact that Mike and I kind of want to go to Sweden.  And I want to go to Germany.  And I want to be done with college.  Or the fact that I should be doing homework!  Or the fact that I have nothing remotely horrible to complain about right now, yet I feel like I need to complain about something.  German is stressful, as always, but I always seem to underestimate my skill, at least according to Mike.  He tells me constantly how amazing I am at German and I have many A's to remind me, but I still just don't seem confident in my German skills.  Especially since I have an oral presentation about something that doesn't seem to have 10-15 minutes worth of information that's on Monday. 

I'm really excited for this weekend because Mike's parents might be coming up!  Which means free food, good conversation, and a nice change of pace for the semester.  I miss seeing them and I know Mike does too :) Although, chances are it'll make me miss my family and friends, but it'll be worth it.  I've been working my butt off with reading, papers, and homework lately, so I deserve some fun this weekend.  It seems as though weekend doesn't imply FUN anymore, rather 3 days when I have to catch up on reading assignments or write papers or work on presentations.  Which is definitely not fun.

I feel like I've gone from a studious student (redundant, I know) to slacker, and now I'm back to studious student again.  It's kind of nice considering I have 2.5 more years left of college, but it's kind of a bummer too because of my lack of fun.  Although I have to say, I do enjoy my classes and what we're learning which is nice.  Just today I texted Mike how much I love English class sometimes because sometimes I really do!  Hence, I'm an English major :)

We're officially done with The Scarlet Letter in English and I'm glad to be done reading the millions of critical essays about it, but I'm bummed that we're done reading and talking about it.  If I ever get my graduate degree, I'm going to research and write critical essays about The Scarlet Letter.  It's amazing.  And interesting and weird and dark.  AND my blog title, if you haven't noticed, is The Life and Writings of a Scarlet Letter.  This doesn't mean I'm an adulterer or anything horrible like that!  It's a pun on my name being Ayla, starting with an A, and the fact that I love the book, and the fact that no one is perfect because Hester made a mistake and was wrongly outcasted because of it.  (Yes, I know that it was a big deal for Puritans, and it's a big deal in general, but she was treated pretty badly).  Anyway, enough for now :) Thanks for listening!  Or reading! lol

Tschuβi!