the road to acceptance

Sometimes I think that I'm a "writer" in the sense that I dream and daydream and imagine impossible things and want things out of life that aren't really possible. It makes sense in my head, but not enought to describe it here. Maybe it'll make more sense as I type. I was just thinking about my life lately, my day-to-day life (Alltagsleben in German, which makes more sense to me lol). There is never a moment when I am completely at ease, when I  don't have any worries at all whatsoever: no papers due in a few weeks, no chapters needing to be read, no work to think about, no life issues to think about, no shopping needed, etc etc. I am always thinking about the next thing I have to do. So maybe this is my fault for thinking too much, but I haven't had a completely peaceful, do nothing day in I don't know how long.

I want to spend a day lying around, cuddling with Mike while he plays video/computer games, me reading like I SO want to do, or even writing. I want to sit and not worry or think about the next few hours or days or months or years. I want to just BE. Simply being is the most beautiful thing in the world; some would call that laziness, but I think it's quite the opposite. It's being able to stop your mind from thinking of things you can't control, for even just a minute, and realizing all the things you have and appreciate the life you've been living. It takes hard work to be able to go from lifelong thinker to one day BE-er.

I want to be able to do that. I want to be ahead on my homework, or have enough time to think about and write all my papers in one day. There are not enough hours in the day to do all the things I want to do. I'm reminded of my dad when I think about that. He says/thinks that quite frequently, and he's a middle-aged man! How can I have 20+ more years of thinking that? How can I ever accept how much time I have, and do with it what I need to, and go to sleep happy and proud of all I accomplished that day? How can I give myself the break I need to go on with the rest of my life? How can I have time for a break at all when there's so much I want to accomplish in my life?

I want to be a writer, but I never have time to write. I want to read hundreds and probably thousands of books, but how is there going to be enough time in my life to read all the books I want to? What if I don't read them all? How will I feel on my death bed when I realize I still haven't read The Hunger Games series? How in the hell will I be able to accept the things I cannot do in life? And when will I realize that I really can do anything if I just make time for it? And how will I make time for the things I need to accomplish? It's a never-ending circle of "How"s and "When"s. I need to start writing, like seriously writing if I want to publish or try to publish anything in my lifetime, but all I ever feel like writing is thoughts about my life. Which is ok, I'd like to write based on my life, but it's hard. I suppose starting with this blog and a journal is the way to go. Figure out the rest later, but how much later? How long can I afford to wait? It kills me to think that I don't have an endless amount of time on this earth, not because I don't want to die, but because there's so much I want to do, and so little time to prepare myself for those things, and then go out and do them.

Maybe I have to stop mentally preparing for things. Maybe that's my ultimate problem in life: thinking, preparing, ruminating. But these are also my greatest strengths, the reasons I feel like I have the mind of a writer and a thinker. How do I find the happy medium necessary to go on with my life and be satisfied with it? That is the question. To be a thinker, or not to be, as Hamlet once soliloquied, or close enough at least.

These are the kinds of things I thought about in the last couple hours. I apologize if you could care less about the ideas in this post, but again, I want to evoke thoughts from other people, in addition to cataloging my own thoughts about life, and evoking more thoughts in the future (for my book someday!)

Have a good night!
Poka (Russian for "Bye")