memories and musings.

For someone who strives to remember everything, it sure is hard to hold onto some memories. Especially the ones I shouldn't want to remember. The man who sat next to me on the bus today smelled like booze. Maybe it was just my imagination, but whatever the reason for the smell, it was familiar to me. As I stared out the window I "ran" the smell through my mind trying to find the correct location for its familiarity. Then it hit me. The memory came back completely in that moment. It's still with me now.

The smell reminded me of a time when I was young, a little bit lonely, and a little too willing to be someone else for a night. The reason I want to remember is so that I can remind myself of where I was, and where I am now. Of a time when I was sad and needed something I thought I couldn't get anywhere else: comfort. That smell brought me back to that time and place and specific moments that weren't my proudest. I remember exactly what his lips felt like. What his breath smelled like (which was probably what mine smelled like, too). I wanted him to put his arm around me, to hold me close and not let go for the night. I wanted to be someone else, someone who did whatever she wanted, with whoever she wanted.

I want to keep these kinds of memories among the good ones, because I'm afraid I'll forget what that felt like, and end up back in that place again. But more than that, I want to remember exactly how I've gotten to where I am today. What made me this person? Why don't I do those kinds of things? I need to remember in order to continue being who I am. If I ever falter, I can look back on my life and remember the ways I've already tried to cope, and hopefully not repeat them.

Memories are meant to remind us. Of good things and bad, of frightening and comforting things. We are meant to remember, not only to tell others about the ways of the world, but to remind ourselves what we've already tried and failed or succeeded at. We must constantly remind ourselves of our accomplishments so that we never forget what we've achieved, and what we're capable of, so that we will always strive to do amazing things. We must also remember our failures, and times when we've strayed, in order to prevent the same things from happening again. This is the only way we can grow and change for the better.