Sometimes I think that I'm a "writer" in the sense that I dream and daydream and imagine impossible things and want things out of life that aren't really possible. It makes sense in my head, but not enought to describe it here. Maybe it'll make more sense as I type. I was just thinking about my life lately, my day-to-day life (Alltagsleben in German, which makes more sense to me lol). There is never a moment when I am completely at ease, when I don't have any worries at all whatsoever: no papers due in a few weeks, no chapters needing to be read, no work to think about, no life issues to think about, no shopping needed, etc etc. I am always thinking about the next thing I have to do. So maybe this is my fault for thinking too much, but I haven't had a completely peaceful, do nothing day in I don't know how long.
I want to spend a day lying around, cuddling with Mike while he plays video/computer games, me reading like I SO want to do, or even writing. I want to sit and not worry or think about the next few hours or days or months or years. I want to just BE. Simply being is the most beautiful thing in the world; some would call that laziness, but I think it's quite the opposite. It's being able to stop your mind from thinking of things you can't control, for even just a minute, and realizing all the things you have and appreciate the life you've been living. It takes hard work to be able to go from lifelong thinker to one day BE-er.
I want to be able to do that. I want to be ahead on my homework, or have enough time to think about and write all my papers in one day. There are not enough hours in the day to do all the things I want to do. I'm reminded of my dad when I think about that. He says/thinks that quite frequently, and he's a middle-aged man! How can I have 20+ more years of thinking that? How can I ever accept how much time I have, and do with it what I need to, and go to sleep happy and proud of all I accomplished that day? How can I give myself the break I need to go on with the rest of my life? How can I have time for a break at all when there's so much I want to accomplish in my life?
I want to be a writer, but I never have time to write. I want to read hundreds and probably thousands of books, but how is there going to be enough time in my life to read all the books I want to? What if I don't read them all? How will I feel on my death bed when I realize I still haven't read The Hunger Games series? How in the hell will I be able to accept the things I cannot do in life? And when will I realize that I really can do anything if I just make time for it? And how will I make time for the things I need to accomplish? It's a never-ending circle of "How"s and "When"s. I need to start writing, like seriously writing if I want to publish or try to publish anything in my lifetime, but all I ever feel like writing is thoughts about my life. Which is ok, I'd like to write based on my life, but it's hard. I suppose starting with this blog and a journal is the way to go. Figure out the rest later, but how much later? How long can I afford to wait? It kills me to think that I don't have an endless amount of time on this earth, not because I don't want to die, but because there's so much I want to do, and so little time to prepare myself for those things, and then go out and do them.
Maybe I have to stop mentally preparing for things. Maybe that's my ultimate problem in life: thinking, preparing, ruminating. But these are also my greatest strengths, the reasons I feel like I have the mind of a writer and a thinker. How do I find the happy medium necessary to go on with my life and be satisfied with it? That is the question. To be a thinker, or not to be, as Hamlet once soliloquied, or close enough at least.
These are the kinds of things I thought about in the last couple hours. I apologize if you could care less about the ideas in this post, but again, I want to evoke thoughts from other people, in addition to cataloging my own thoughts about life, and evoking more thoughts in the future (for my book someday!)
Have a good night!
Poka (Russian for "Bye")
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Ever changing, ever writing
Do you ever realize that you're changing? I mean, obviously we're all constantly changing, every second of every day, but do you ever realize it? In the last few days, I've noticed I'm changing, or that I have changed. I spent a lot of my spring break with Mike, and we had a nice, relaxing, lazy week together. Boring, I know, but this week I've been thinking, that we have changed a lot. And by "we" I mean me, because I can't speak for Mike (even though I try to sometimes...). Thinking back on all my past relationships, short as they may have been, I can see the change in myself. Especially with Mike. I've been dating him for over 4 and a half years now, and I've changed SO much during that time. It hit me, yesterday or the day before I think, that I'm growing into a different kind of relationship with Mike, at least on my end of things. I've loved him for a long time, but I really and truly see that now. I would do anything for him, which, if you know anything about me, is saying quite a bit, me being the semi-selfish person that I am. I want him in my life from now until forever, etc. etc.
I won't bore you with too much more of this, but my point is I am aware of that change. It probably happened over the last few years, but over the last week it has manifested itself so completely that I noticed it happening. We have been really great around each other, not so much bickering, which, for us, is part of our daily routine; plenty of laughing and joking around, with neither of us being offended; and I have even been pretty darn witty lately, which is awesome for Mike and I because he's constantly cracking jokes or being witty and I had plenty of nice comebacks =]], AND I have been able to predict almost every single one of his punch lines and comebacks. None of that may make any sense to anyone else, but it all helped me realize that I'm changing, like I've said probably about ten times already in this short post.
It is so interesting to me that I am witnessing my own change! Normally, I hate change and avoid it at almost all costs, but this kind of change is definitely a good thing. I am growing up, I'm almost done with my Junior year of college, and Mike is graduating in May, which is getting me mentally prepared for my own graduation and my own future (being mentally prepared for any event, big or small, is essential to my existence; I would probably die if I wasn't able to prepare for most things in my head before they happen. And no, I'm not crazy, at least I don't think so, at least not yet). Anyway... this change thing is spectacular for me for so many reasons:
A. I LIKE it.
B. It's a positive thing for my relationship and for the rest of my future.
C. It's bringing me closer to Mike, which isn't necessary, but I think it's going to help us in the long run.
D. It has made me think about things I hadn't thought of before, and things I always think about in new ways.
(I enjoy lists, and I even do this "A, B, C..." thing when I'm speaking to people =]])
Anyway, I guess my posts aren't always geared towards other audiences, but I like to make people think, because I think about things a LOT. And not just trivial things, important things, and things that I think are interesting enough to blog about, or at least interesting enough that I want to write them down, to keep them forever so I can come back to them and remember what I thought when i was 20 years old. I am ever trying to remember everything, which is impossible, I know, but blogging/journaling/talking helps me accomplish my inconceivable goal in life: to remember everything I ever thought, said, and wrote. Hopefully someday I'll write a memoir, that would be amazing. I think my life would make an interesting book, and if not a memoir, at least a novel loosely based on my life. That'll be my best-selling novel. Look for it at your local bookstore in the next 10-60 years.
Happy remembering!
Ayla Rosemarie
I won't bore you with too much more of this, but my point is I am aware of that change. It probably happened over the last few years, but over the last week it has manifested itself so completely that I noticed it happening. We have been really great around each other, not so much bickering, which, for us, is part of our daily routine; plenty of laughing and joking around, with neither of us being offended; and I have even been pretty darn witty lately, which is awesome for Mike and I because he's constantly cracking jokes or being witty and I had plenty of nice comebacks =]], AND I have been able to predict almost every single one of his punch lines and comebacks. None of that may make any sense to anyone else, but it all helped me realize that I'm changing, like I've said probably about ten times already in this short post.
It is so interesting to me that I am witnessing my own change! Normally, I hate change and avoid it at almost all costs, but this kind of change is definitely a good thing. I am growing up, I'm almost done with my Junior year of college, and Mike is graduating in May, which is getting me mentally prepared for my own graduation and my own future (being mentally prepared for any event, big or small, is essential to my existence; I would probably die if I wasn't able to prepare for most things in my head before they happen. And no, I'm not crazy, at least I don't think so, at least not yet). Anyway... this change thing is spectacular for me for so many reasons:
A. I LIKE it.
B. It's a positive thing for my relationship and for the rest of my future.
C. It's bringing me closer to Mike, which isn't necessary, but I think it's going to help us in the long run.
D. It has made me think about things I hadn't thought of before, and things I always think about in new ways.
(I enjoy lists, and I even do this "A, B, C..." thing when I'm speaking to people =]])
Anyway, I guess my posts aren't always geared towards other audiences, but I like to make people think, because I think about things a LOT. And not just trivial things, important things, and things that I think are interesting enough to blog about, or at least interesting enough that I want to write them down, to keep them forever so I can come back to them and remember what I thought when i was 20 years old. I am ever trying to remember everything, which is impossible, I know, but blogging/journaling/talking helps me accomplish my inconceivable goal in life: to remember everything I ever thought, said, and wrote. Hopefully someday I'll write a memoir, that would be amazing. I think my life would make an interesting book, and if not a memoir, at least a novel loosely based on my life. That'll be my best-selling novel. Look for it at your local bookstore in the next 10-60 years.
Happy remembering!
Ayla Rosemarie
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Update on life and swing dance 2012!
So.. it has been a LONG time since I last blogged. So here goes nothing. A lot has happened since June: worked at James Gang, Abby got married, started my Junior year at UMD, Mike and I are even closer, family drama, Mary's engaged! Now my roommates and I are hopefully signing a lease on an apartment soon. It's weird how time flies by! At least once I take a step back and look at my life in the last 9 months.
I've realized that things change while staying the same. I am growing up every minute that passes, but I don't feel like I have changed at all. I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately, thanks to Mary, and having children, or puppies, or kittens. Mike's best friend just got a husky puppy. He is the cutest thing I've ever seen, and I want a puppy! Or a baby. Or just to speed up my life a little. Mike's graduating in May, and I still have a year left of school. It's so weird to think that he'll be done with college, and that I'm next! Crazy! And my sister's graduating high school in June. My life has kind of passed me by, so I've been trying to take more minutes everyday to appreciate my life so far. People don't appreciate what they have as often as they should, and I am no exception. Maybe that's my Lenten Goal, to appreciate what I have in my life. I'm working on it. Starting with my family, because they don't get enough credit for what they've done and what they continue to do.
I suppose I should end this post with something fun and exciting! Mike and I have been taking ballroom dancing at school, it's not what either of us thought it would be, but it's been helping us learn how to work through difficult challenges, if nothing else. And we have the opportunity to go to our hometown's annual swing dance next week, to show off our "mad" lindy skills. I'm really excited about it, and I think it'll be fun for us!
Just dance! <3
I've realized that things change while staying the same. I am growing up every minute that passes, but I don't feel like I have changed at all. I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately, thanks to Mary, and having children, or puppies, or kittens. Mike's best friend just got a husky puppy. He is the cutest thing I've ever seen, and I want a puppy! Or a baby. Or just to speed up my life a little. Mike's graduating in May, and I still have a year left of school. It's so weird to think that he'll be done with college, and that I'm next! Crazy! And my sister's graduating high school in June. My life has kind of passed me by, so I've been trying to take more minutes everyday to appreciate my life so far. People don't appreciate what they have as often as they should, and I am no exception. Maybe that's my Lenten Goal, to appreciate what I have in my life. I'm working on it. Starting with my family, because they don't get enough credit for what they've done and what they continue to do.
I suppose I should end this post with something fun and exciting! Mike and I have been taking ballroom dancing at school, it's not what either of us thought it would be, but it's been helping us learn how to work through difficult challenges, if nothing else. And we have the opportunity to go to our hometown's annual swing dance next week, to show off our "mad" lindy skills. I'm really excited about it, and I think it'll be fun for us!
Just dance! <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)