Dealing with the shittier facts of life

Do you ever just get so bogged down with things you cannot change, that you feel like giving up? Does it ever depress you so much, it makes you want to cry or scream?

I tutor students K-3 in Reading, and I can honestly answer "Yes" to both questions I posed above.

Sometimes, I feel so helpless. I can only do so much for these kids, and that's that. I can't even help all of them. There's not enough time in the world to help every single kid become a successful reader. Especially when they have learning disabilities, behavioral disorders, or home life interfering with their learning.

It just sucks knowing there isn't anything I can do about it. Just like there's nothing I can do about the fact that my mother can go 6 months without talking to her daughters and think it's ok. Or the fact that she sent us cards in the mail telling us she wouldn't talk to us for that long. Or the fact that she will never be the mother I need her to be, and she'll never own up to her past transgressions, because she may or may not realize she did anything wrong.

She has no idea or won't admit she has a mental illness. She will not ever gain my trust back fully, and I will continue to retrace our conversations afterwards to make sure I didn't divulge too much personal information while talking to her.

The only thing I can do in both of these situations is live in the now, appreciate the good times, no matter how small, and try not to get so bogged down with the shitty and emotionally draining facts of my life.

Easier said than done.

The Force does exist!

Sometimes I wonder why certain people come into our lives. There are so many people who used to be important in my life who have ceased to be. I console myself with the thought that everyone comes into my life for a reason, and that doesn't necessarily mean they will stay there forever. I made a certain friend or friends in whatever grade to help me at that particular point in my life. For example, I made an awesome friend during my senior year at UMD. He was exactly what I needed to keep me excited about German, about music, and just life in general at the time. I still miss him when I think about him, but we've clearly moved on with our separate lives and I will someday accept that. Until then, I will continue to be grateful for his existence, just like I continue to be grateful for the existence of all the other once-important people from my life.

And then there are the somewhat new people, much like my senior year friend, who suddenly find a place in my life, and I find myself wondering, "Why did I let them into my life? What made them special, or important, or meaningful to me that I just let them in without question?" That's not to say those people aren't special, important, or meaningful to me. It's just that I didn't realize they were until they were already in my life. And now I'm questioning how I let myself accept them into my world without even realizing it. And then I think, "I'm more brilliant than I thought." I keep myself pretty closed off from people, keeping most, if not all, new people at a safe distance, oftentimes without even realizing that I'm doing it. But then there are the few people who sneak their way through my walls and all of a sudden I have another important person in my life.

It's amazing that I subconsciously let myself open up to certain people without even noticing I'm doing it, because I subconsciously realize how great these people are, and how much I want or need them in my life. My brain, my heart, my something makes this decision for me to let these people in. How cool is that?

Let's go back to the people who have stayed important throughout most of my life. I am finally realizing just how much I need them to survive. The family and friends that I choose to love and accept and see the real me-- they're some of the reasons I get out of bed in the morning. And it took me almost to my 23rd birthday to realize that. The plus side is, I'm not in my 90s ;) I have plenty of life to live with them and away from them, to appreciate and spend time with them, to laugh and cry with them. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

Whether there's a God up there, a goddess, a spirit, or some other force of life subtly guiding me through my life, it's moments like these that I can almost feel a force connecting me with the people I care about. And it's moments like these that I can almost believe in The Force, or something close to it. Maybe George Lucas had this all figured out years ago! I think I'll highlight his name on my "People I'd Like to Meet" list now...

read, write, live.

A piece of my universe puzzle

Some people enjoy having more than one place to call home. They like having two places to chill or keep their stuff or sleep. Makes me realize why I feel the way I do when I think about having my stuff divided between places. And why I dislike staying at peoples houses for long periods of time. It makes me cringe just remembering having my life in 2 or more different places. I'm so grateful to be in one place now and that I realize how good I have it. And I'm thankful for all the people who gave me a place to keep part of my life in. I may not have appreciated it then, but I sure as hell do now.

I'm not saying my life sucked or anything, although teenage Ayla definitely thought so at times. I've just figured a tiny piece of myself out! It triggers some crazy stress hormones when I remember having my stuff all over the place and when I imagine it happening again for any number of reasons. I'm so glad I have all my stuff in one place, even if our apartment is a little cramped.

It's all about perspective. One person's heaven is another's hell. I'm fascinated by instances such as these, when I discover something apparently so crucial to my being that I didn't even have the eyes to see it for myself-- I had to discover it. Listen to me, I sound like I'm discovering a new land or a planet or something. But that's kind of what it feels like. Its one more piece of my own personal universe puzzle. How cool is that?

Read, write, live.